The Imposter...

I hear it a lot. Too much in fact. The phrase, "You're like Wonder Woman!"

I don't like it because it's really not true. If it was, I'd be an imposter.

I get where it's coming from and I totally understand why people say it to me. If I were on the outside looking in, I'd probably say it too. I mean, here I am, a mom, wife, leader, business owner, PTA president, Sunday school teacher, church team leader who seemingly has it all together.

But truth bomb...I'm a hot mess. 

What my sweet friends and others don't see is that my constant need to do so much stems from a desire to feel valued, not from a place of trying to impress.

I also never want to be a burden on anyone. It's why I won't push myself into friendships or why I have a horrible time delegating when I do take things on. While yes, it is partly my control issues, the fear of being a burden is the controlling factor.

I over commit, try to be the best at a lot of different things and work tirelessly, some times to a point of making myself sick, trying to make sure everyone around me is happy, just so I feel worthy. 

Not because I'm a people pleaser (because truthfully, I really don't care anymore if everyone likes me), but because I need the approval. I do what I do because I want you to think I'm valuable enough to have in your life. Sad, isn't it?

Do you want to know what the worst part is though? The "light bulb" moment of reality that I had not too long ago?

My desire to feel valued and worthy of those around me and what I do to attain that, only leaves me feeling less and less valuable. Dirty rotten trick, isn't it?

I remember a birthday party I went to when I was 11. I was the unpopular kid of the group and am certain I was invited because everyone else was and it would be rude to leave me out.  I was left out anyway. The whole time. So what did I do? I helped the parents clean up while the other kids played. They seemed so appreciative. They made me feel valued when my peers did not. That is my first memory of trying to impress others so I felt like I belonged. I've done it ever since. 

I think the worst part of it all is that it's my husband and kids who get the raw end of this deal. The broken me. The tired me. The bitter me. They don't get the best of me. Everyone else does. They get the leftovers.

Now, let's pause this post a moment. I am not writing this for pity. That is not how I roll, ever. I am writing it for transparency. For you to understand that while I may look like I have it all together on the outside, that I am a flipping hot mess on the inside. It's because of my insecurities that I feel like I have to be this way. Not because I am just that cool. I'm not. At all. I am flawed.

The honest to goodness truth about this flaw is that I hit walls and HARD! 

Walls where I feel broken and lonely and exhausted after doing all this "stuff" for everyone around me and I can't figure out why my cup isn't left overflowing. I even get bitter about it when I'm the most weary. 

When we do for others, we're supposed to feel good, right? That's what it should feel like and often it does, but the root of my own problem is this. I don't value MYSELF enough to let those things fill that cup. 

Here is the good news though my friends. I'm working on it and the greatest truth I am seeing as I strive to not let the enemy make me feel like I'm junk. That I'm a bad friend, a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad leader, a bad everything. Unvalued. Unworthy. 

I am a child of the King.

No matter what I do or do not do, who I please or don't please, I am His. My feeling of worth cannot come from within or from the outside. It has to come from knowing that I am esteemed, loved, set apart, pursued and loved by Him. More precious than rubies even when I feel like coal.

As someone who struggles so much with self worth, understanding and fully accepting this part of God's goodness is a hard thing to do, but I'm getting there.

This all being said, does that mean I'm going to quit doing all the things I do? Probably not. Let's be real, I'll probably do more. It's the fault in who I am, but I'm going to work on continually seeking God's guidance in those things and ask that He remind me daily how precious I am to him. No matter how I feel.

Because that is where I will find my true value. It's where you can find yours too.

So you see, I'm not Wonder Woman. Not even a super mom. I'm just Amanda.  Full of flaws, but ever growing Amanda.