Narrative writing
noun
- 1.a spoken or written account of connected events; a story.
A story.
In this case, the skill of completely building up an entire story about how someone else is feeling, what they're doing, what they think about us or how a situation is or conversation is certain to unfurl. Deciding that the passive aggressive post or comment was CERTAINLY about us or how we must not be worthy because someone didn't "show up" in a way that was would have "shown up" for them.
It's been a conversation we've been having often within the walls of our home lately.
My girls are becoming quite skilled in this area and to be fair, they come by it naturally. You see, I have a pretend Master's degree in it.
As someone who yearns for security, has struggled with anxiety, and hates curveballs, my narrative writing has been something I've used to "get ahead of" any hard conversations or feelings or scary events, preparing myself for what I will say or how I will react.
Oh, by the way, Empathetic, big feeling Enneagram 2 here. Nice to meet you.
If I can completely write an entire "what if" scenario, then, when that icky thing inevitably happens, I'm not caught off guard. I'm "safer". I can't get AS hurt. It is something I have honed and perfected over time as a defense mechanism. It's self-protection. At least, that's what I've convinced myself of.
What I've come to realize is, as I've worked to make this skill something "useful" for me, all it has really done is hurt me. Big time.
In fact, it hasn't served me in any beneficial way at all. Narrative writing IS my toxic trait.
What I've discovered through this realization has been three fold.
1. What I think will happen never really happens:
The first thing I've realized is 99.9% of the situations or conversations I have "written" never actually turn out like I've dreamed up. I have caused myself immense fear, heartache and worry over something that just isn't likely to even happen.
That's logical.
Of course they don't. Why? Well, first- I have a REALLY good imagination. I mean, REALLY GOOD! You should see how I dream or what I can create when I use that super power for good.
But in this frame, I don't just dream up the basics when I start writing pretend conversations or scenarios. I go into full detail of who will say or do what, what they MUST be thinking about me right now or, in my deepest places, exactly how that plane will plummet from the sky in a barreling ball of fire and smoke and how I would save me and mine. (Logic check- I know there is nothing I could actually do in that last example. Which is why I don't fly. 😂. Level 74 of aforementioned toxic trait. We will save that for another day).
The issue is, typically, when our brains go into Narrative writing mode, it's usually 0% logical or rational thinking. Okay, maybe like 5% tops because sometimes we write those stories based on past experiences in those spaces, but I don't think we can give it much more than that because our imaginations certainly make things a little more wild than what truth really is.
In fact, in this very moment, I am fighting the urge to author an entire made up story as someone who normally communicates with me often has just... stopped. Cold turkey. I've reached out and had with no reply (but the message has been seen) which has prompted moments of spiraling thoughts on the why.
I must have said something that made them mad, disappointed them, or they probably just don't like me anymore. Seem familiar?
Side note: This doesn't mean that there won't be times when you just come across someone who is just plain miserable, but that isn't for you to carry either unless you HAVE done something wrong and then you do need to go make it right. Even if right means that you can go separate ways, but the beef has been squashed so both of you can move on peacefully.
Circling back to logical thinking, the truth is, they could just be busy or not need my help like they once did or could be going through some of their own junk, but I can't help but decide it must be a ME issue.
Which takes me to my next discovery on why this is more harmful than helpful.
It's all about me.
I don't consider myself a selfish person, but this is one area where I make it all about me.
Nearly every narrative I write has ME on the defense.
"They must hate ME." "They must not like ME" . "I am not good enough". "I must have done something wrong." " Me, me, I, I and the cycle continues.
As I decide for myself what is going on in someone's head or heart, I inadvertently rip myself apart, nit picking everything I've said or done, trying to dissect it down to the root so I can then work how I need to deal with it, what I will say or not say, so I don't mess up again.
Wait, wait, wait. Isn't this "skill" supposed to be about protecting me? Funny, isn't it? Well, not really funny. Sad. Really sad because this can also has a super fun side affect of triggering my anxiety which can send me into a tailspin of feelings and emotions that spill into other areas like my parenting, my beliefs in myself as a leader in my business or even my role as a wife and friend.
Self-depreciating talk that leaves me feeling like an absolute failure in all the things. All because someone didn't reply to my text or didn't say hi at Walmart.
It couldn't POSSIBLY be that something is off because THEY are busy or have THEIR own things going on or are struggling with THEIR own junk. It's because I'm worthless. It must be ME.
How unfair of me to do this to myself, but to them as well.
Which brings me to my last discovery.
It isn't fair to them either.
As much as it isn't fair to my own heart to decide I am the issue, it isn't fair to them either.
This is something I realized in talking with my oldest who, in her own narrative writing, decided that one of her close friends must not really like her because she invited someone else to do something with her instead of my daughter. She did her own little spiral of self talk & then started getting angry at her friend for what she THOUGHT she was thinking and doing.
Whoa nelly! Hold your horses! That's so unfair.
In writing our own narrative, we don't only end up being insanely hard on ourselves, but we also are too harsh on others. We put words in their mouths, thoughts in their heads and can even vastly redesign their entire character simply because we can't get out imaginations in check. I've seen people literally throw away long time friendships based on assumptions they've dreamed up inside their own pretty little heads based very little on fact.
It is so important in these moments that we stop & remember who it is we are talking about. Is how you're feeling about what you THINK they are feeling/saying/doing true to who they are?
Do they normally act like the crazy person you have created them to be?
Do they normally say or do the hateful things you've now created them to say or do because of your insecurities or fears?
No? Then stop putting that on them! Stop trying to convince yourself they are your enemy. STOP WRITING THE NARRATIVE.
It's a lie.
This "act of self-protection" has been a lie all along. A device the enemy has used to trick us into thinking if we "got ahead" of the situation in our heads, we'll be much more prepared to handle them in real life. Absolute bull snot.
We not only end up damaging ourselves in this process by increasing our own fear & anxiety & treating our own minds and hearts with disrespect, but we end up treating others poorly too.
Whether directly, by a lashing out with hurtful works after you spent weeks stirring up undue anger inside yourself because you already decided what they were thinking or feeling.
Or indirectly by cheating them and ourselves out of meaningful conversations and relationships because we've misjudged and mislabeled who they really are or their intent. All because we couldn't get our imaginations in check. All because we took a smidgen of experience or information & blew it up into a 5 part Lifetime series.
It isn't fair to anyone involved. You, them, anytime caught in between.
So how do we stop it? Well, I'm still figuring that part out.
What I can share is when I do find myself starting to go "down the rabbit hole" I try to stop & ask myself these questions:
"Is that who they really are?"
"Is that who I really am?"
"Is that fact or what I think is true?"
"Is this logical or emotional?"
So far, I've been able to talk myself off the ledge by running through this list, but on the occasion that I haven't, I just do the hard thing and go have the conversation with whomever it is I feel a weird thing with. I throw out a "hey, are we ok?" or "so, I have a quick question because we know I'm crazy and I can't stop thinking about..." (a little light heartedness so it isn't as awkward)
Want to hear some good news? To date, 95% of it was indeed all in my head! 😆 Of course it was.
Oh and that 5%? It's bene all easily solved with a convo the clear some miscommunication or confusion up. That's it! Whew! What a relief!
So today, let me challenge you, as I continue to challenge myself to stop writing the narrative. We are not the Author.
Use that creative energy for good, not the bad.
Use that wild imagination for taking your kids on fun adventures or story telling or creating a life you love.
Not for dreaming up what could go wrong, is going wrong, how you've done wrong or being wronged.
There is no peace to be found is sitting inside the what ifs.
Live inside the freedom that can be found in extending that grace to yourself and to others.
Live inside the life you are living, not the version you try to write to protect yourself of what could come.
Do yourself a favor.
Stop writing the narrative.
