It's not me...It's you.

I have a big imagination. Like really big. When you tell me a story or I read something, I am already painting this big, huge picture in my mind down to the very last detail. Colors, sounds, smells...everything. I'm putting myself there.

With that imagination also comes very vivid dreaming.
I dream every. single. night.
 Dreams I can remember when I wake up. All in color (which apparently isn't common?) All meticulously detailed. I even hear music and wake up singing it.

 I didn't realize that not everyone dreamt every night until talking to my husband and kids one day. They said they only dream every once in a while. "What?!" I exclaimed. I don't even know what it would be like to sleep and not have a dream. They can be hilarious, heartwarming, full of adventure, exhausting and even scary. Sometimes I really struggle with separating them with reality when I end up in that weird in-between wake and sleep state. (my poor husband)
Secretly, part of me would love to do a sleep study just to see what my brain waves look like on paper overnight.
The worst part of this over active imagination, combined with my overthinking most everything, is the trouble is causes me when I'm awake.


You see, this terrible combination makes me quite the over thinker. Not just an over thinker, but an over thinker who thinks of worst case scenario in most situations. Shocking, right? Because I'm a pretty optimistic person, but it's not because I'm afraid those things will actually happen, but because I walk through the "what would I do if..." so I'm not caught unprepared if something does happen (control issues much?).

 It also means that when my feelings are hurt, I don't hear from a friend for a few days, I think I receive a strange look from someone or Josh doesn't answer his phone, that I have already come up with 5 possible story lines. The who, what, when, where and why. Crazy right? It's like I write the scripts to problems that don't even exist in reality.

I caught myself doing this hardcore the last few days while I was struggling with some stuff. Some things I wrote about in the last few blogs, but some I didn't.  One particular situation was the most haunting. I say haunting because haunting defined means "to remain in the consciousness; not easily forgotten". It's all I thought about. It was even making it's way into my dreams.  Is it something I should handle? Maybe not. Do they even care? Of course they care! But what if they don't? What if they're over it/me? I bet they think this. I bet they're saying this. I should say this, but if I do, then they'll say this and then this will happen. All the what if's. I lost sleep, lost my temper, felt trapped inside my head and I think I legitimately caused myself an ulcer.

People. I'm should be certifiably crazy.
But here's the good news...I'm not. It's not me...It's him.

As I mentioned yesterday, we often don't give the enemy enough credit for the torment we go through whether self inflicted or not. I chewed on this specific topic for DAYS letting it slowly eat away at me and my self worth, until after I wrote that blog yesterday and then read it again, just like you did. It was then it hit me. It wasn't me...it was him.

My sweet Pastor's wife words echoed in my head. "Cast down imaginations." Wait! I CAN cast them down. Not only that, but if you continue reading that Scripture (2 Corinthians 10:5) it says, "And take CAPTIVE your thoughts. " I can not only tell those crazy thoughts to chill, but I can also take them captive! Yeah buddy! Oh what relief filled my soul.
Oh Satan...you're a jerk face. No more. My thoughts are mine. Not yours.
In that moment, I stopped and I prayed. I asked God to remind me that these thoughts weren't his and that anything set to tear me down wasn't anything of value or truth. To take those thoughts captive, give them to God and walk in obedience.

Imagination's can be a fantastic, beautiful thing, but they can also be damaging when out of control. I have spent days letting the enemy help me create all sorts of  junk that chipped away at my spirit, but them moment it clicked, I took back the control.  I became the Defeater again.
Sadly, that didn't mean the moments stopped flooding my brain, but what it did mean was that now I had the control over them and whether or not I'd let them flourish.  Now, the second one of these imaginations pops into my head, I say "nope". Literally. I do. :) I disregard them which takes the power they have over me away. The shorter their stay in my head, the smaller the impact they have. The longer I let them squat, they messier they make the place.

Today, I've seen a huge change. Those thoughts are still popping up, but I'm shutting them down just as fast. That situation they were about? Doesn't seem near as big anymore.  Why? Because 99% of it was made up anyway and I was the one making it up. The person involved has no clue I've spent days sick over it and they probably never will and that's okay. I have taken my thoughts captive. I'm the one in control

Dear friends, I need you to hear me on this. You could even consider this part 2 of yesterday's blog post. You don't have to let the enemy make you feel like trash. You don't have to let him whisper words of chaos, confusion, false imaginations into your ears. You don't have to let him  continue to tell you you're a failure, unloved, unworthy, dumb, ugly, fat...whatever it is for you.
Stand up for yourself. Ask God to show you when those moments are overtaking His plan for your life.
Let them devil know that it's not you, it's him...and he's got to go.

Even with all of that crazy, I would never wish away my imagination. 95% of the time, it's pretty fun and often useful, it's that tricky 5% that I've got to get in check.
 My only hope is to get a better hold on it. To know what imagined in this braing is simply the creative and slightly nutty person God has created me to be and not the lies the enemy wants me to believe.
I want the same for you.