From possibilities to panic...

Saturday was one of the hardest days I've ever had. Ever.
Saturday, I experienced my first panic attack.

Back in July, I attended our Scentsy Family Reunion and while there, really felt challenged by God to start stepping beyond where I was. There were a few areas I could see clear direction in and some steps I needed to take to start the process of letting go of control. One of those was to finally attend Superstar Director Summit in Meridian, Idaho, the location of Scentsy home office.
This meant flying. I was going to have to fly.

I HATE FLYING.

Hate doesn't even seem to be the right word. It terrifies me. Even having conversations about it will put a deep pit in my stomach.
But it was time to grow. God was calling me into a new place with Him and that meant I had to do this. So when I got home and registration opened, I very quickly counted down from 5 and signed up. I didn't book my flight right away. I couldn't yet. I needed the courage to build up and then to press launch so my mind and fingers would spring into action and reserve my spot on a plane.
A couple weeks passed and as prices increased, I knew it needed to get it done. (I'm sort of a frugal gal and hate wasting money...which becomes ironic later in this story).
So I jumped on the website, booked my flight and then cried for an hour afterward. Every scary thought and feeling rushed over me in record time.
But it was done.
That was that.
I was financially committed and that would have to serve as the motivation to get past the other junk.

I spent the next few weeks spending hours reading, watching listening to all sorts of things to help me get on to that plane. I wanted to be, deeply, where it would take me, I just didn't want to have to get there and back how I would need to.
I watched YouTube videos from pilots on what noises are okay and why flying is safe.
I read statistics and stories on how to overcome the fear of flying.
I listened to books on coping skills and how to take control of thought patterns.
I tried 3 different medications to try and find something to dull my nerves. None of them worked.
I prayed.
I worshipped.
I tucked Scripture away in my heart.
I stood in my prayer closet Friday crying out to God to take this coat of heavy fear off of me because I was tired of wearing it.
I rebuked the enemy of my soul and reminded him that I wasn't his.
Friends showered me with beautiful words of encouragement.
Gifts to give me strength and courage.
All do be able to do something MILLIONS do every single day.
Just to get on that plane to go to Idaho.

Saturday morning, I left early to drive to Dallas. A 5 hour drive just so I could take a direct flight. Just one plane.
On that car ride, I prayed, worshipped and listened to yet another self help book to make sure I was packed and loaded with every possible "skill" I could need to battle any feelings that would rise up. I went through scenarios and kept reminding myself to just walk on, get in your seat, buckle up and put your brand new noise cancelling headphones in, blast that new Hillsong worship soundtrack and remember that you are safe. You are Gods. He will be right there with you until you land safely on the other side.

I arrived at my dear friend Kathy's house...in tears. A sudden moment of anxiety left my chest feeling tight and fear to swarm me again. We sat on her back porch and talked. My heart rate slowed, my body relaxed and we decided it was time that we head out. In this time I also talked to my husband and my best friend who both poured reassuring words over me. I listened and decided I just needed to go and get this over with.

Kathy dropped me off at the airport, hugged me tight and reminded me it would all be good and she'd pick me up on Thursday, anxious to hear all about it.
I went through security in what is probably a consistent fliers dream. No lines. No waiting. Walked right through...only to be patted down because I left something in my pocket as I was fumbling to load the plastic tubs with my belongings.

My gate was straight ahead of me so I walked to the window, put my ear buds in and watched plane after plane take off.
With each plane I counted how many seconds after take off the wheels would go up that way when I felt or heard that happen, I knew what it was.
After some time, I went and took a seat across from my gate. I prayed and tried to again soak up the words in the songs I had playing in my ears.

And then it began. Like some little whisper getting louder and louder in my head and right now, I can't even tell you what they were saying. I don't even remember.
Boarding time came and my heart began to race. All of the sudden, it was like a countdown had begun. 30 minutes was all that was left.
The tears began streaming. People walked by with their luggage and stared. I'm sure they were curious as to who must have died for me to be so distraught.
I called my husband frantic and from that point forward, I remember very little.
I know he was trying to say all the right things. Words of affirmation and love and encouragement. As I spiraled deeper, he became more direct and assertive to try and snap me out of it. I was hearing him, but I wasn't listening. Everything was fuzzy and dark. Cold and dark.
All of the coping skills I'd practiced- gone.
All of the scripture I'd memorized- gone.
All of the knowledge of how safe I would be-gone.
It wasn't like I was trying to be my normal control freak self and not trust God in this.
I wasn't even in control. I literally had NO control over my thoughts or my body. It was like some messed up outer body experience.
The bracelet I wore on my wrist, that was reminding me to walk with courage and no fear of the future, you know, my focus verse for this year, Proverbs 31:25?
 I literally wanted rip off in hopes it would break into a million pieces.
All I remember saying was, "I can't. I can't. I can't" over and over and over again.
My heart was physically hurting. I was sweating. I was dizzy. I couldn't breathe.
I think my husband could tell I was in distress because he was having to remind me to take breaths.
I was experiencing my very first panic attack, alone in this giant airport with people watching,  which magnified everything times a bazillion.

I've always struggled with some sort of anxiety. Sometimes it is absolutely manageable and something it's harder, but always controllable to some degree. I always assumed that anxiety and panic attacks were the same(ish).

I no longer feel that way. This was different. WAY different. This was all consuming, choking, asphyxiating fear. Of what exactly? I couldn't even tell you. I don't know, but I was drowning in it.

As they called for final boarding, I got off the phone, took a huge, deep breath and forced myself to walk up to the beautiful woman standing at the gate taking tickets. I desperately searched for one of those danged "Skills" to talk myself down that hall and onto that plane, but everything went blank. Everything overshadowed by this dark cloud engulfing me.
I looked her straight in the eye, face tear stained and said, "I can't"

and I walked away.

The closed the doors and that was that. Fear won. The enemy won...

And I lost hard.

I called my friend who swiftly returned to the airport to pick me up. I called my husband to tell him I was coming home. I hated what I heard on the other end. He was sad for me. As he described it, it was like a coach who'd lost the game. Nothing he had said gave me the strength to get on that plane and I think he felt as defeated as I. I could hear it. He wasn't disappointed in me, but he was disappointed for me.

I spent the evening on the back porch with my friend. We talked about life, went to Walmart for snacks and ate pizza while watching Dick Van Dyke tell about being a part of Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I think she knew it would me medicine for my soul. She was right.

I went to bed and wrestled with the day. Replaying what I could remember trying to figure out what went wrong. What was the turning point where I felt prepared, read up, praying up and ready to an ugly, wicked panic attack. I still don't know.

The next day, yesterday, I woke up feeling like my body had been in a car wreck. Every muscle aching and sore. My neck stiff and my head throbbing.  My stomach was in knots, I was nauseous and utterly depleted. I also had heartburn all danged day. All side affects of the MAJOR rush of adrenaline I'd felt the day before. The aftershocks if you will.


I made the 5 hour drive home, tired, weepy, and anxious for rest. My sweet girls welcomed me back with a sign on the door and precious hugs. My husband, ready to deal with whatever was left of me.
He quickly encouraged me to lie down and rest, for which I was grateful.

Oh how I wish I could have been the people who walked on to that plane like it was nothing, like the momma with her little baby, who wasn't worried a bit about whether she'd land in Idaho 3 hours later. Oh I wish my body and mind wouldn't have betrayed me so.
That's what I feel like right now. Like I've betrayed myself.
And that I've also let down every single cheerleader who was rooting me on. Like I took one step forward, trying to be brave, and tumbled down the rabbit hole, 100 steps back.
My heart aches. I'm constantly teary and I am mourning what this week could have been.
I wanted to be with my friends, I wanted to discover a new place and I wanted, most of all, to overcome this stupid, stupid fear.
But it won. It won big.

This time anyway.


So today, I've sat here in a place that feels so heavy. My body still recovering, my heart so sad and my brain so tired that I'm still having trouble thinking clearly.
 I don't want to give it the power by calling it depression, but it feels a whole lot like that.

I've cried out to my God, who is so unfailing and filled with so much love for me, asking why this happened. Why didn't all that preparation matter? Why didn't all those prayers work? Why did this darkness so easily envelope me when I had worked SO, SO, SO freaking hard to be ready? WHY DIDN'T IT WORK??????????????

I sit waiting for His answer. I know it will come. When? I don't know, but I hope soon.

I don't know where I go from here. If you're one of those people who loves flying or at least manages it ok, I applaud you. Truly. I wish I had your courage. I stand in awe of it.
I don't know when I'll try again, but I hope to someday. I hope this has not left a stain that cannot be washed away from my memory so that one day, I can do it again...and succeed.

For now, I wait to hear from God. I wait for clarity and I wait for this heavy weight of disappointment to fall from my shoulders. I'll take today to take care of my body and then will go back into motion again tomorrow running my business and taking care of my family.

There is no moral to this story and I am sorry if you were waiting, ready through line after line waiting for one. No "But then this happened..." shift in the narrative. I just needed all of these thoughts and words and feelings out of me. I needed to share it. I needed you to know so you didn't judge me for not being where I should be today.

There is no redeeming, full circle moment...YET

YET.

YET.

I'm just not there...YET.

Yet means there is possibility. So for today, I hold on to the YET.

If you really knew me...

When I chose my focus verse for this year, little did I know how much I would come to rely on it's words as a reminder of who I want to become. Speaking them aloud like a war chant every time I came to a struggle I was certain I couldn't face.
"Clothed in STRENGTH and DIGNITY.; she can LAUGH without fear of the future."

I want to become this woman and it seems that once I placed this into focus January 1st, the year has spent it's time challenging those very things. Beginning with surgery for endometriosis, to making the hard decision to leave our church of 16+ years, to knowing I need to make hard decisions for the sake of personal and business growth, even if they were scary (i.e. getting on a dumb plane)

Truth is, I've often felt weak...not strong.
I've not always CHOSEN to act dignified. I have a temper and it's ugly when I feel out of control.
Fear consumes me. Not just physical fear, like what I'm experiencing now as I get ready to take a flight in a few weeks that is gut wrenchingly terrifying me, but fear that I'm just not cutting it in every area of my life... and may never.
But I don't want to be those things. I want to be the Proverbs 31:25 woman and so I press on towards all she embodies. Strength. Dignity. Fearlessness.

I think it's easy for people on the outside looking in to think that I have everything together and I can take some responsibility for that because I work very hard to give off that appearance. Why? I wish I knew. It would sure take a lot of pressure off of me to not feel like I must, but I do. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that a lot of people rely on me to be the solid one, both in my personal life and my business life, and so there is no room for anything else. I told a friend the other day that when we understand more about people and their stories, we are able to be more empathetic to why they function like they do and therefore, it can be easier to get along with them, realizing that they're just as messed up as we are.

So if you really knew me....

You'd know that I am constantly swallowed up in self doubt.
That I lie in bed every night, thinking over the day, dissecting every minute.
"How could I have handled that situation better?"
"Was I a good enough leader for my team today? Do I even deserve to be their leader?"
"Did I take care of my customers the best I could have? Do they even like me?"
"Am I totally screwing up this PTA president thing? They probably wish they had someone better."
"Did I scar my children for life with my words or actions when I lost my temper? They'll probably tell a therapist about today when they grow up."
"Will they want to be near me when they grow up or be so disappointed in how they were raised that they leave?"
"Was I a good enough wife today?"
"Being thinner/fitter would make me better."
"I should have eaten better/worked out"
"I should have done another load of laundry."
"Am I a good enough friend?"

If you knew me, you'd know that....

My first relationship with a guy was filled with a type of abuse that still makes it hard for me to connect with my husband in a healthy way and I carry intense guilt over it, even knowing it wasn't my fault. The only people that know this about me are a couple close friends and my husband. I've never made it public knowledge before for the protection of the other person, but for me to be able to let it go, I need to say it and not hide it.

I have childhood memories of a loved one's abuser doing/saying terrible things to her which makes still makes me guarded and untrusting.

That my husband and I have been fiercely close, multiple times, to not making it because I have a hard time letting him love me and in turn, don't love him well enough. I question constantly if I even know how to.

That a family history of mental illness haunts me. I am constantly concerned that I'm slipping and losing it and worry about what will happen when I finally do. Who will suffer the most?

That anxiety is my conjoined twin. I don't know how to function with or without it and that it shows itself is some of the most unflattering ways and contributes to everything you've already read about me.

That these things, and many other events, have formed the control freak you see before you who has a very hard time even letting the God she loves guide her. Being in control feels sometimes like all I've got to hold on to, not because I think I can do things better than anyone else.

That I am the MASTER at faking it til I make it.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not writing this blog post at all for pity, sympathy or as an excuse for anything I've ever said or done.

I'm writing it because I need you to really know me. To see me for who I really am. Not the facade that I wear like a cozy sweater every day. Comfortable and easier than dealing with the hard stuff.
Because I want you to know that I'm working on me....constantly.
That when I fall short in your eyes, that I fell short in my eyes too and probably even shorter and I am my own greatest enemy.
That it's okay if you feel like I do too.
That it's normal..ish.
But it doesn't have to be normal and that's what God is revealing in me.
This doesn't have to be who I am.

And in this season, right now, in August of 2017, I am fighting all that this is. I am fighting to not be that person any more. I'm tired of wearing that sweater. I'm tired of the constant self judgment that I know is a tool the enemy has used to make me feel useless and like nothing over and over again. Every single day. Every time I lay down to sleep.
I don't want to carry past hurts and disappointments like tattoos on my heart or crutches making it impossible to run towards a future God is preparing.
I don't want to feel like I'm a failure in every area of my life because I can only see my faults as they overshadow the successes.
That my kids are incredible, smart and good people that love people and I'm can be okay with taking some credit for that.
That my marriage has survived 16+ years against the odds and will continue to if we work hard on it, even when it's at it's hardest to fight for.
That my team is strong and hard working and that I'll continue to be what I can for them, stretching, learning and dream chasing for and with them.
That my customers keep coming back and that must mean I'm doing something right.
That I may not be the best PTA President, but I'm present and trying and our school has seen some great things happen because that group is there.
That past hurts don't have to define my future.
That if I actually do go crazy, then none of this will matter anyway. 😆
That it's okay for me to go find help, counseling, and that's what I'm going to do. That doesn't make me weak, it just means I know a healthy life is worth fighting for.

That at the end of the day, I am in control of NONE of it and I should find rest in that instead of anxiety.

That I CAN be strong.
That I CAN walk in dignity.
That I CAN laugh without fear of the future.

Why?

Because God.

Because God knows who I really am and He loves me still and that trumps any other feelings I may have.

Because Jesus was crucified on an ugly cross to save me from all of these ugly things.

Because the Holy Spirit will sweetly remind me that I am worthy because He is within me. I need only listen.

Because who I really am right now won't be who I am forever and for that, I am grateful.

I will be  the Proverbs 31:25 woman.... some day.

Keeping a Summer schedule...to save my sanity.

Summer is here! YAY! That means staying up late and sleeping in, lazy days, swimming pools, cooking dinner on the grill, popsicles and sun tans.
But there is a side of Summer that isn't all beachy, am I right?

I feel like, especially for a stay at home/ work at home parent, all of their awesome parenting skills (or lack thereof) are truly tested once Summer break comes. I mean, we've skated by all year with our amazing teachers being in charge for a good 1/3 of the day, but come Summer, all bets are off. This is when our ability to handle our little minions becomes truly tested.

For our house, this is where our Summer schedule has become a sanity saver. We went Summer upon Summer with no plan, no general outline and chaos is what ensued. A constant, ever single day discussion of "what are we going to do today?" "I'm bored!" "I don't want to clean up!" "When will you be done working so we can do something?"
Every. Single. Day.
It wasn't until last Summer that I was inspired by another momma to start a Summer schedule.
Now, before we go further, let me make it clear that this is not a die hard, by the book schedule. It's an outline with a lot of flexibility depending on what's going on that day/week, but it's something. I mean, the kids follow a schedule at school every single day (when they have class, recess, lunch etc.) and then come home during the Summer to no schedule at all. For our girls, we found quickly that having something for them to follow, even if it's pretty flexible, made the whole house happier.
It took us a couple of weeks last year to get a groove going once we had a plan in place, but once it hit a stride, it was awesome!
So it was only natural that as soon as we came home from vacation, that we get this year's plan drawn up and ready to roll.

To start, the girls and I sit down and think about the things we'd like to do this Summer. Daddy isn't involved only because he's at work all day, but it doesn't mean he's left out of the fun.
Next, we divide out chores that will need to be taken care of each day. During the school year, I take on 99.5% of the daily household cleaning because I am here and we want school to be their focus. The only exception is their rooms, in which case, they have to keep those tidy. (they don't like it when I clean them...muahahahahaha)

But during the Summer, we are all 3 here eating meals, making messes, playing etc. so it is completely reasonable for them to take on some of the things I would normally take care of myself. Sharing these responsibilities is a triple win because...
1. I don't have it all on my shoulders on top of the work I need to do for my Scentsy business
2. They don't make near the messes knowing they'll have to clean them up, especially if it's in their area
3. It teaches them pride in hard work and the space which in they live. I don't want to raise slobs.

The chores are divided out equally and we discuss who would be willing to do what. If one does the kitchen, the other does the hall bathroom. If one does the living room, the other does the den. They are both responsible for their own rooms and their laundry. Now, these jobs aren't "down on the floor scrubbing grout with a toothbrush" jobs. They are picking up, wiping down counters, putting away dishes, tidy jobs. I still do the deep cleaning. Their list can be done in an hour is they really get after it, but most days, it takes the morning because they'll start, stop and start again.
But with these things taken care of, the house stays clean enough for anyone to pop by at any time and for those deep clean days to go a lot smoother.

Here is ours for this year. Our dry erase board has seen some hard days and is in need of replacing, so I'll list what this year looks like here for you. Feel free to use it as an outline for your own!

Katie's chores- Bedroom, Den, unload dishwasher, wipe down kitchen counters, personal laundry on Monday/Friday, devotional, in charge of dinner on Tuesday.

Abby's chores- Bedroom, living room, picking up bathroom and wiping down sink, personal laundry on Tuesday/Thursday, devotional, in charge of dinner on Wednesday.

On days they're in charge of dinner, they get to pick the menu, help shop for ingredients and then do as much as is safe to prepare the meal. They LOVE this one! It's not only teaching them some basic cooking skills they need to have anyway, but they also tend to be more adventurous with their choices and very proud when they see what's they've accomplished.

My perfectionist spirit totally wants to use my Cricut to make this beautiful, symmetrical, and perfect, but as the lovely Shaun Niequist quoted in her book 'Present Over Perfect', just because you can, doesn't mean you should. My time is better spent elsewhere (but I think about it every time I walk by that ugly thing) 

Once the chore list is complete and all are agreed, we move on to what the reward will be for taking care of their business. I love a good theme, so we try to come up with alliterative names for each day. (Make it Monday, Thankful Thursday etc). As mentioned before, these things are very flexible and aren't set in stone, but give us a good direction to at least head in that day. Both the chore chart and rewards chart is then written on our dry erase board and propped in the kitchen nook throughout the Summer.

Here is our reward list for this year and then I'll explain how it all works together...

Make it Monday- experiments, crafts etc. Could be a fun recipe, slime, sewing, painting etc. Focus is creativity.

Theater/Tune In Tuesday- movie (our local theater has $2 showings on Tuesdays through the Summer), movie at home, see a play, make up a play. Focus is the performing arts in some way.

Where Will We Go Wednesday-  adventure/discovery day. Could be a trip to the Nature center, the park, out of town for a day trip, museum etc. The focus is purposeful learning or exploring.

Thankful Thursday- looking for ways to bless others or pay it forward in small or big ways. So many options here between baking something to take to another who needs a reminder they are loved or doing small, good things for strangers.

Free Friday- We just changed this one today. It was 'Floatin' Friday' and water themed, but let's be real, we are likely to not just stick to swimming/water fun on Fridays, so we changed this to be an open day. If there is something we want to do that week that didn't get done yet, we'll do it on Fridays or we may just come up with something spur of the moment. The key is that it's totally open.

With all that being said, how does the schedule ACTUALLY work. Well, here's how it works for us.
I am a work from home mom. I run a very successful Scentsy business and am a leader for a large team who I work with each day to help build their own great business. I also have great customers to take care of, orders to put together etc.  That means that I've got to have time to work. During the school year, I do this while they're at school. When they're home, it gets tricky, which is why this plan is perfection in our house.
Our plan is this. We get up in the mornings, have breakfast and do our quiet times/devotionals. Then, I come into my office to work until lunch time. They know that they aren't to disturb me unless necessary because the more work I get done, the more opportunities we have as a family. If you have smaller children, this may be more tricky, but ours are 12 and 8, so it works.
During this time, it's their job to complete their daily tasks. I might remind them once to get them done, but I won't any more than that. We're teaching personal responsibility here people.
At lunch time, I stop working and if they're finished their lists, then we get to spend the afternoon doing whatever is on that days schedule. This set up allows me purposeful time in my business and keeps a great consistency in our week. Every one knows what to expect, so there is no guess work, no asking 500 times what we will do today and no complaining about chores because they know if they just suck it up and get it done, we can have fun.
When do I get my laundry and other cleaning done, you may ask? In between working in the mornings or after we get back from our adventures. My goal, however, is to be disconnected from my business responsibilities and that type of cleaning by the time my husband is home from work so that we can spend the evenings all together. It isn't 100% fail proof, but it's something. This isn't me trying to keep them from being little and enjoying an amazing Summer. It's teaching them how to take care of their business, so we CAN have an amazing Summer.

If your kids thrive on a schedule (even if they won't admit it) , I want to encourage you to give this a try for a couple of weeks and see what happens. I realize this method won't fit every family perfectly, but if you think it could give you even an ounce of sanity, use what you can and adapt what fits your family's dynamic. My greatest peace of advice is let them help you with every part of it because that's where they feel like this is a plan for you all and not just mom or dad telling them what to do.

With that, from our family to yours, we hope you have an incredible Summer filled with adventure, loads of new memories and tons of laughter.

- Amanda

A note to our church family...

"Sometimes, the thing you need, isn't the thing you want."
This quote, one I heard during a testimony recently, hit my heart in a way that I felt so deeply.
It's so true, right? We can be praying about something, asking God to show Himself for guidance and when the answer comes, you know it's the right thing to do, but isn't the thing you want to do. The thing we want to do is stay comfortable. Stay where there is familiarity and relationships. Stay because it's the easy thing to do, but comfort isn't where God moves in the great ways only He can.
It's when we are able to go beyond ourselves and see that He knows the need is greater than the want.  I never want to be in place where my own stubbornness and fear of the unknown cheat me out of the awesomeness God has in store.

Over the last little while, Josh and I have been feeling in a stirring in our hearts that has been different than those we've had before. A stirring that's forced us to have hard conversations. In the past, when we've felt a similar stirring, we've always sought God and the answer was always, "Be still." and so that's what we've done. But this time, our prayers have returned with a different answer. No longer is it a call to be still. It's been so interesting, because as Josh and I have talked, both of us have responded with the same feelings, concerns, uncertainty, but the end result has been a mutual peace and settling. Our human self isn't sure it's something we want, but our hearts, with thanks to God's tremendous grace, see that it fills the need.

With all that said, we wanted to use this avenue as a way to share with you, our amazing church family, that Sunday, May 7th will be our last Sunday as members of Dora Assembly of God.
Even typing these words makes my heart ache and tears well fiercely in my eyes. They are words I never thought would actually fall from our lips.
We wanted to share this news with you here, because we wanted to make some things as crystal clear as we could and for me, the written word just seems to be the easiest outlet. This is a way for us to share with you, the people we love, why we've made this tough decision.

First, we are not upset with anyone. We are not leaving because our feelings have been hurt or we because we don't like someone or some thing. If you know us, you know this isn't how we operate. This is our greatest fear in following God's pulling. We don't want our leaving to cause any discourse. We don't want people to make assumptions or talk about why they think we REALLY left. It's why I'm writing you now. So there is not room for gossip.
We would follow our pastors to the end of the earth and we've told them that many times. Through conversations with them, they have so graciously and lovingly encouraged us to pursue God, even it that means it's not by their side at Dora. That is the mark of not only incredible leadership, but also genuine, selfless friendship.

Second, we are NOT leaving on any sort of bad terms and we did not take this decision lightly. In fact, it was so important that we think every aspect through and not make any moves based on emotion in any way. We talked as a family, sought God daily and even had a meeting with our pastors to seek their guidance and love. Even then, it didn't come easy, but as we have continued to ask God what He wants from us, our hearts feel that tugging, and we feel more and more secure and at peace in that He has a plan for our family beyond the walls of our church home.

And it is home and will always be. It is the church Josh has belonged to since he was in 5th grade. Only the second church I've ever belonged to. It's the church we dedicated our babies in. The only church they've ever known. It's the church we've spent 16 years in as a family, serving, building relationships in and growing through. We've been youth leaders, junior youth leaders, Sunday school teachers, sound booth techs, a deacon board member and church administrator. We've been invested deeply into this church. We've shared so many amazing memories and cried 1000 tears in it's walls as you all have journeyed through life with us. The good times, the hard times and all the in between. You've prayed for us and with us and held us up when life's greatest struggles were at our door (or pouring under it) ;)

But now, we hear God's voice and He's calling us to do these same things in the walls of another. Where? We don't know. We will be praying earnestly for Him to show us where we are to serve next;  whose family we will become a part of; who will be walking with us through the next stages of this life as you have done with us in the first part. We ask that you will also be praying for us as our sisters and brothers in Christ. That God shows us where to go and shows us where He needs us. We truly feel that He is not calling us away from here "just because", that's not who He is. He has a plan and we want to be open to whatever that is, wherever that is. To not be caught up in what is comfortable or convenient, but what is TRULY His calling on our lives. We want to raise daughter's who are unafraid to chase Him and being obedient in this time is one of the best ways to teach them this very thing.

You are our family. We love you. Every one of you. We will miss you more than you can imagine. We will miss your encouraging words, your laughs, your hugs, your voices, your love for us and for our girls.  It is so important for us to allow them especially the time to be able to say goodbye to their leaders and friends and for us to be able to as well.
We would never just disappear and not come back. You mean too much to us. We want to be able to say goodbye with grace and love.

When May 7th comes and we walk out of the doors for the last time as members (not ever because we will come back to visit when we get to missing you too much), we will be leaving with this prayer over you.
That you continue to chase after God and seek His will over Dora Assembly and it's roll in the community.
That you be okay with getting uncomfortable sometimes if it means God will have more room to move.
That you love on your pastors in tremendous ways because they do more than you'll ever know.
That you pray over how you can help fills the rolls we will be stepping out of.
That you eagerly look for ways to make things better AND be the one willing to make it happen.
That His blessings, favor and promises be fulfilled not only in your lives, but in that of the church itself.
God has something BIG planned for Dora, if your hearts are open and willing. We can't wait to watch it unfold, even if we won't be there to be a part of it.

We thank you for being the foundation for our family for so long. You have had a part in planting seeds in our lives, helping us grow and pruning us for this very moment. A new season is ahead and with that comes much uncertainty, but we rest well knowing that God is already there and with Him as our lead, we have nothing to fear.

Perhaps this is the moment for which we have been created.

With an intense love and appreciation,
  Josh, Amanda, Katie and Abby Johnson

Everything was good...until it wasn't.

At the beginning of this year, I challenged myself to write every single. My only resolution of sorts.
Everything was trucking along just fine and then one day, I just couldn't write. Then that day turned into another and into another. I didn't feel good and the last thing I wanted to do was try and write pretending that I did.

This past Fall, I started having random days of just hurting. Deep in my abdomen that would often travel into my back.. I'd have it a few days, it would go away and I'd go on with life.
Then, last month, about the time I quit writing, the pain came back....and stayed.
Everything was good... until one day, it wasn't anymore.
Now, I am not one to go to the doctor. Ever. So I started trying to self diagnose.
I changed my diet,  took my vitamins, drank tons of water and nothing was changing. Well, it was, but it was just the pain getting worse.
I went to see my general practitioner about 2 weeks in because I couldn't take it any more. I was waddling when I walked because everything hurt. Even then, I didn't want to go, but I was out of ideas and needed relief.
She gave me an initial diagnosis, gave me an antibiotic and ran some tests. Tests came back fine and the medicine made the pain worse (and my sense of smelling was on another level and that was terrible. Let me just say, the world needs more Scentsy in it)
But I digress.
After another visit, more tests and no answer, I was referred to another doctor. He ran his own tests, did an ultrasound and those things came back fine. This was a moment to be thankful for because it meant there were no cysts and more importantly, no tumors and for that we give God glory.
But I was still in tremendous pain, getting dizzier each day, can't eat much, and get tired very easy. So what now? I felt like we were back at square one again and in a way, we were, but we also had some direction.
 After talking with my doctor, we have a pretty good idea we know what it is, but it's something that has to be seen to be diagnosed. No tests will show it. Only a camera and that means surgery.
So, on the 27th, I will go in for laparoscopic surgery to confirm what we expect. For the sake of my privacy and modesty, we will leave it at that. The hope is that the laparoscopy will show what we expect to be the case and we can continue forward with a treatment plan. We don't expect this to be anything life threatening, but something that will absolutely, one way or another, have to be dealt with.

Now, if you've been around me in the last few weeks, you may not have noticed anything was wrong. What you're not seeing is that I'm moving a lot slower, getting much less done in a day and am doing a lot of sitting or being still when I am around you. Also, I'm probably not around you for very long, because I'm anxious to get home to my heating pads. I'm also taking a higher dose of pain medicine to take the edge off. It makes me a little loopy, which could be entertaining for you, but not so much for me. All of this is what I like to call "Faking it until I make it".
It's not fair for me to burden those around me with my whining and at the end of the day, I still have responsibilities to fulfill, but they're all that gets done and nothing extra.

So why share this with you? Up to this point, I've been pretty private about it because well, that's just who I am. While I brag on my kiddos and share my business, talk about my shortcomings and praise my great God very openly, this was different.
But I learned something today that I think is important for anyone who is struggling to understand. Maybe not even so much learned, as chewed up and swallowed.

During this last month, I have prayed and asked God to make the pain stop. I mean, imagine feeling like you're having early labor contractions all day... every day. That's what I'm dealing with. It is both physically and mentally exhausting.
One day last week, I was climbing into my husband's truck and it hurt and I started crying. This led my oldest daughter to do the same. She is my mini me, so I had a pretty good idea of what was going through her mind. I asked what was wrong and she said she was scared for me. I told her all she needed to do was to keep praying that God would take it away. Her reply was. "But I am and He's not.". My how it hurt my heart for hers. I reminded her that God's healing comes in many forms. Sometimes by a sudden taking away and some times, because He gives doctors wisdom to take care of it. We just have to trust in whichever course it takes. How hard for her little faith to feel tested because she felt that her prayers for her mommy were going unanswered, but I understood. I felt the same way.
And then I began having trouble praying about it.
I just couldn't.
Words failed me.
It wasn't getting better, it was just getting worse and I didn't understand why.
The enemy really started using that against me and my prayers went from "God please take this away" to "God, I don't know what to say anymore." to "God, you know my heart".
How did I get to a place where I couldn't even pray for myself anymore?
I believe fully in spirit filled healing. 100%. I've seen it. I KNOW He heals, so why am I not being healed?
Then, when I went to my appointment yesterday, and surgery became the next step, part of me felt relief because hope was in sight and part TREMENDOUS guilt. Had I not been trusting God enough to take care of it?  Was I not praying right enough, often enough, asking the right way? Was surgery me giving up on His healing?  Was I sinning by having surgery? Typing these things out now, they seem silly. If I were hearing someone else say those things, I would immediately tell them those were all lies from Hell, but in that moment, that's not what I felt. I sat in the waiting room of the lab department for pre-op bloodwork and cried. I was scared. Disappointed. Worried.

But then, this morning, my sweet friend Carla called. I shared with her the fear I've been facing, the questions, the confusion, the downright angst. How was it that if this was anyone else, I would know what to say and how to pray, but now that its me, I feel bound? Helpless? Weak?
She spoke the most precious words into my heart and reminded me that all those feelings were from one source alone and that was the enemy. Clearly taking advantage of a tired momma who just wants life to feel normal again. A momma who feels like she's burdening her family and can't do much without feeling exhausted. He was the one convincing me that I wasn't loving God enough or trusting Him enough. God wasn't making me feel that way, satan was. Because I've been so ill, I've missed many church services which make my spirit feel even weaker. I'm trying to compensate by doing a devotional and listening to worship, but it's different. He knew that and it made it that much easier for him. Healing can come in so many forms and maybe this is the form mine will come in. It doesn't mean I've given up on God. It means I'm trusting that this is the way He intends to make me well and the fact is, there is still time for it to be made whole before surgery happens. If that's what God's plan is, awesome! If it's not, I have finally found peace in knowing that's okay too.

What I need to share with you to and is my whole point in sharing this is that when it comes to your physical, mental, spiritual, financial or relationship health, God is in it as long as you're letting Him be in it. He is moving on the scene and He is making a way for wholeness. It may be hard to see Him at work, but if you've taken that situation and handed it over to Him, then you have to be okay with whatever He decides to do with it. However He decides to do it.
That's the hard part for me. I'm a control freak. But I think this trial is part of His teaching me to let that go. His ways are always greater than ours. Every. Single. Time.
Healing and wholeness may not come in the form we expect. It could look totally different. Your job, my job, is to lay it at His feet, ask for His peace to fill our hearts and then let Him do His thing.

Secondly, when someone you love asks you to pray for them, really pray. I can admit there have been times where I have said I would pray and then got distracted or busy and totally failed that friend. Not on purpose, but because I wasn't being intentional.
What these last few weeks have shown me was that some times, when people are asking, it's because they're having trouble going before the thrown themselves. They feel speechless before God and need an intercessor. I want to never fail to intercede for another again. I have been resting in their prayers over me because I couldn't pray those words myself and I have been so grateful for them.

Having surgery is the right choice. I have peace in that now. Carla's words were medicine to my soul. Do I want to have it? No. Will I? Yes.
I know some of you reading this are probably thinking that this is just a small surgery (and it is) and that it really shouldn't be causing this much turmoil in my heart.  It shouldn't be, you're right, but it has been. I think when you've felt bad for so long, lots of things feel heavier than normal and if the enemy thinks he can take advantage of that. My cheeks feel tear stained, my eyes puffy and my body tired.

Carla reminded me that He is mine and I am His. The daughter of a King who loves me and will make me well again and in this case, through surgery. That seeking help isn't mistrust in Him. It's using the gift we have in great doctors,  good medicine and capable hands. That takes faith too.

So, if you're still reading this terribly long post, can I ask you to pray for me on the 27th and the days between now and then? For a safe and productive surgery that brings about complete healing and for my spirit to be quieted and listen for God's reassurance when the enemy tries to force feed his lies? I would be so grateful and in turn, will do the same for you.
Also, if you see my hubby or kids, give them some mad props for putting up with me. It hasn't been easy.
I don't even know is most of this made sense, but this is just my heart right now. If it didn't, well, then we will just blame the hydrocodone, k? K. :)

...And then I found a dollar!

Sunday evening, before church started, the husband of Abby's Sunday school teacher approached Josh and I to tell us a story about Abby in class. 

As we've discussed before, Abby is a care free child with a tremendous imagination and spirit and so every time we hear those first few words, we can be sure an interesting story is to follow.

He proceeded to tell us about when they took up the offering in Sunday school a of weeks ago and how Abby had a really hard time letting go of the dollar she had ready to give. She really, really wanted to keep it and was struggling with what to do. Her teacher gently encouraged her to give, reminding her why we do and so, probably somewhat reluctantly, Abby handed over her dollar

Abby loves money which is not a trait we encourage around here. I don't want the girls to grow craving more and more because that isn't what bring happiness. It just brings stuff. However,  any time Abby has any amount of money, she wants to find some "treasure" to spend it on. Katie, on the other hand, is a saver. So for Abby, handing over that dollar bill to the offering felt quite sacrificial. She probably had already made a list of things she could have spent it on. 

Fast forward to this last Sunday and Abby is back in Sunday School. Excitedly, she tells her teachers  God "paid her back" for giving her dollar in the offering "and then I found a dollar!" she shares.

A dollar on the ground one day that week and was just sure that's why it was there. (she also found $5 under the washer and decided that was hers too, but that's another hilarious story for another day. She probably thought God was SUPER proud of her ;) )

Anyway, we laughed and laughed about it and got such a kick out of how Abby was sure this was God showing her how faithful He was. We had a chat about how God doesn't always reward obedience with financial blessings. Sometimes he will bless us in other ways, some seen and some, not so much some times. Whether God intended the lesson to be learned through this or not, Abby saw God as faithful that day. 

One of my favorite songs growing up was 'Great is Thy Faithfulness'. An old hymn, but a good one.  It's chorus reads...

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

 

God's faithfulness is SO great. Each and every day, He is meeting our needs. Some times, He does it in a big, gigantic display catching our attention immediately. Other times, it's in small, almost unrecognizable ways that take a focused eye to catch. Either way, He is in them. Every detail, every need. He is there. He knows every concern we have laid on our heart. Every worry and every fear. All we need to do is lay them before His feet and remain obedient to His will.

Early in our marriage, we dealt with a lot of financial insecurity. Layman's terms...we were broke. There were times we'd be at church and Josh would remind me to write our tithes check and I'd think to myself, "with what money?". How was I supposed to tithe when we had bills due and barely enough to cover them? But knowing in my heart that God called us to be obedient to Him, I would write the check. I remember praying at the same time telling God that I was sorry in advance for it's probability of bouncing. Yep. I did. But can I tell you what happened? Every single time? Something would show up. An opportunity to work for extra money, a late wedding gift in the mail or a bill would be smaller than expected. He was faithful. Unwavering. New mercies we saw.

I mentioned before that God's favor and faithfulness doesn't always show up in cash form. Some times when what we think we need is money, there is something greater to be had that will make a bigger impact on where we are in life.

We simply must seek God and pray for Him to provide and in turn, show us in what ways we need to be obedient so we don't miss out. To help train our eyes to see His faithfulness in our struggle.

If you have a need you are praying about right now, don't question for a moment if God is in the midst. Even if it feels like something small compared to a big world of problems. 

I could tell you story after story of my own whispered prayers and how I questioned whether I should even be asking for what was on my heart. But I did and He answered. Every time. Not always in the way I had planned, but in ways even greater than I could have every imagined. 

Now, did God leave that dollar on the sidewalk for Abby to find that day to "pay her back" to her faithfulness in tithing?  We do know that tithing is a big deal to God and so maybe it was. Maybe it was an early lesson to show her that He will always provide, even when it "hurts" to give. Who knows really and honestly, it doesn't even matter.

Because whether it was or it was just some fluke, this one thing will always remain.

He. Is. Faithful.

To Abby.

To me.

And to you.

Keep moving forward.

Today, it's this. Just this. Because I love this quote so much. Some days, it's okay to just share a little nugget of something you love. <3

Motivation Monday- Today is the day

Need to start eating better? Today is the day

Need to do the dishes? Today is the day

Need to make an important phone call? Today is the day

Need to make a decision? Today is the day

Starting things can be hard. Especially when it's something we don't want to do in the first place, like this list above.

But there is something about just going and doing it now that feels good. In fact, usually when you knock one of those things out, it will cause you to do another, then another and another.

There is a great book I'd love to recommend to the procrastinators of the world who struggle with the starting. It's called "Eat That Frog" by Brian Tracy.

In this book, Brian teaches that every morning, we should eat our frogs first. Our "frogs" being the things we need to do most that we really don't want to do. Somehow, in start, we find momentum and get way more done in a day and feel much more accomplished. No one wants to eat frogs in the morning, but once they're swallowed, the day can only get better from there, right?

However, even greater than the every day chores we face, there are things we'd like to do, but are scared of beginning. Scared of 'what ifs', scared of not feeling good enough at or smart enough for. 

Dream chasing if you will, but there is so much goodness in just starting things. We can't have successes without beginnings, right?

The key to any of these things is to just do it. Just start it. Just begin. Let what happens after happen. Don't be scared of possible failures, but excited about what great things could come. Today is the day.

Apply for that new job.

Buy that perfect house.

Ask her on a date.

Sign up for those lessons.

Start writing that book.

Book that trip.

Join Scentsy 😉

Whatever is on your list today. Whether it's a chore or time to just start chasing a dream, just do it.

 Do it right now.  Today is the day.

See fewer posts like this...

This last year has been heavy. Between unrest in our world and the election of our newest President, there is a LOT going on that calls us to speak up.
It seems social media specifically, has become the platform for the world to know our stance. Rightfully so. I mean, it's the quickest, easiest way to voice our opinions and make everyone hear them, whether they want to or not, right?

During the Fall, I watched as people I love shared those voices and feelings from both sides of the aisle.  Some did so with carefully chosen words and some, not so much. It's funny how passion can also cause a lack of good judgment sometimes. And that's in all things, not just politics.

Over this season, I found my heart becoming more and more burdened. Not only for our country, but as people's words to each other began to stack in piles inside it. How could passion become so mean? Why couldn't that passion be reigned in and used with dignity and goodness?
Maybe it's because of sin. Maybe it's because we are so desperate to have our voices heard that we will drown out all sense of humanity to make sure it is. I really don't know.

Beyond politics, I watched as my Facebook feed began to fill with click bait posts of abuse or terror. As people shared videos of horrific events to be a part of making them viral. We all want to be a part of something, don't we? It become consuming. Being sensitive to anxiety and a deep feeler, I started to become oppressed by what I would see. Sometimes even to the point of making myself ill.

Everyday I would scroll on and on just looking for light. For the good. It was in there. I just had to get past the icky to find it.

And then, something clicked. This is MY social media account. I get to decide what I see, but instead of "unfriending" or "unfollowing" people, because they have good inside the too somewhere, I took a different action. I also don't want to go social media dark because I do believe truly that there is goodness within those walls.

One day I came across a video a friend has shared showing an angry mob brutally attacking a man. I still don't know why people share things like this. Anyway, enough was enough and  I clicked the "Hide post" button in the top right hand corner. This button helps filter what is shown on my feed and I'd waited much too long to use it. You see, what has been filling my feed, is what I've been feeding on. Not good at all.

From there, each time I came across something that I couldn't bare to see, I did the same. Over a few weeks time, I became in control of what I was letting into my heart on my Facebook. No longer was I seeing all the junk, but the good and great things my friends have been sharing were being brought to surface. They weren't being pushed down by viral nonsense anymore. Encouragement, happiness, joy! Did it get rid of all the gross? No, but it sure cleaned it up A LOT!.

My friend, remember my post the other day about how important it is to be careful what we see, hear, and say? All in an effort to protect our minds and hearts? This is part of that. You have the ability to choose what you let in. More than you think.

I'm not choosing to do this because I want to stick my head in the sand or pretend it's not happening, but let's be honest, very little of the information I'd gain in this manner is as pure as it should be. If someone is passionate about changing how I feel about something, we can chat, in a civil way, just them and I. Facebook isn't where that will happen.
I am simply guarding my heart and am encouraging you to do the same.

I still want to let others light shine on me and I'd like to think that maybe mine shines on theirs, so unfriending isn't the way to go. Choosing what I'd like to see and not see as I look for that light is. At least for me anyway.

Whether it be politics, violence, language or maybe even annoying food pics (which I'm a sucker for, so don't hate :) ), you get to choose what fills your feed and hence, what you feed on.
Choose wisely my friend. Protect that precious heart. Don't let it become some contaminated by the world that you become cold and forget just Who that heart belongs to.

To the Tall Girls...

I am 6'1". Yes, I am a chick. A tall chick. A very tall chick.
If you've ever seen me and wondered why I don't look that tall, it's because I have a complex about being said height which means I don't stand up straight at all. I actually do this weird subconscious thing where I'll stand trying to be at your same height. I don't even realize I'm doing it.
Now, don't go all into the same talk I hear all the time about being proud of being tall, standing up straight, hunchback of Notre Dame blah blah. :)
I've heard it. Doesn't change anything.


I'm a woman that stands taller than most the men I'm around. That gives a girl a complex. Imagine never feeling little or very feminine. Yep.
Shopping is torture.
Pants are too short.
So are  shirts.
And sleeves. Always the sleeves.
My feet are too big and shoes are insanely hard to come by. I wear an 11 and everything has a heel.
I don't wear heels. I want cute, flat shoes that also don't make my feet look like boats.


Hugging is just weird if you're shorter than I am.  (insert awkward chest hugs here)
I'm asked to get things off a shelves...all the time
If I lose 10 lbs, no one can tell. It takes a solid 30 for anyone to notice a difference.
Bleachers are the worst. Sometimes I'll even cross my legs over the row in front of me because it's more comfortable. No, not if someone is sitting there.
Crossing my legs under a short table or desk...impossible. Inevitably you'll awkwardly play footsie with someone and melt in embarassment as you assure them you weren't really.
I always have to stand in the back in pictures.
No. I didn't play basketball.



Shorter gals always tell me they wish they were tall. They obviously haven't read this list yet.
Their pants can get hemmed and their shirts taken in.
They have the choice of women's shoe sizes and even kid's shoe sizes some times.
Wearing heels doesn't make them tower above their man, but puts them at perfect arm candy level.
Hugging is totally appropriate (although, let's be real, I'm not a hugger any way, so I still think it's weird) :)
Every chair is made for your lovely self to sit in which means no uncomfortable looks from across the table.
You get to be in the front in all the family photos.
You probably don't play basketball either, but you don't get asked all the time, yes even 17 years out of high school.

But here's the thing.
It's okay.
I really am totally okay with my 6'1" self.
You don't have to worry about me not standing up all the way straight (Okay, except for the health consequences of course)
I'm fine with not having a 100 pairs of shoes. How would I even pick which to wear?
We don't have to hug. No, really. I'm not a hugger.
I really don't mind getting things off the shelves for you. It makes me feel helpful.
If it takes 30 lbs to lose for anyone to notice, it means they can't see the 10 I gain either.
I'll happily sit in the bleachers because it means I'm cheering someone on.
I don't mind standing in the back of pictures because I get to hide anything I don't want seen.
I'll sit at the table with you and just tuck my long legs under my chair just so we can keep chatting.
I have a great husband who loves having a wife taller than he and I love that he loves that.


But I'll still hate shopping.

and I'm definitely not playing basketball.

Here's to the tall girls!

Thursday Yummies...Our Snack Crate Review

Today's Yummies post will be a bit different. Instead of posting one of our family's favorite recipes, I want to share with you one of our favorite ways to discover new foods!

Back in the Fall I was cruising Facebook and came across an ad for Snack Crate. The picture was intriguing so I took the bait and clicked and that was that. ( the code for $10 off my first box didn't hurt either)

In our house, we love trying new things. I want my kids to have adventurous palettes as they grow and not be scared to try new foods. We also love to learn.
Snack Crate is a subscription box program that sends you and your family a box of snacks from a different country every month. The snacks will range from salt to sour to sweet and while some things are recognizable, some are not at all. Included the box is a fact sheet about the country from where your snacks originated, along with a description of each product in English (just in case you can't read the language printed on the wrapper).

My girls will ask almost daily when our box will arrive after I tell them it has shipped and is on it's way. They get so anxious to go to the mailbox and pull out that big blue box of goodness and discover what's inside. I'm not gonna lie...I get excited too!

Now in our house, we don't just rip it open and start snacking. We have a whole process.
First, we open the box and take out the country card. The girls take turns reading the facts and information about that month's country. Some are standard, but others, very intriguing!
Next, they choose what they want to try first, but before that, they hand me the booklet with the descriptions. That means that unless the packaging is from an English speaking country, they have no clue what they're about to eat (unless three is a picture on the wrapper). It's like fear factor- snacks edition.

After the first taste, they'll share what they think about it and what they think it is. Typically though, their faces do the talking.  Then, I read the description so they can discover what they've just tried.
It is one of the most fun things we do together. Especially when I know that what they're about to try is sure to elicit an emphatic reaction one way or the other. Parents, take note and make sure they save some for you! (then hide the things you love most!) LOL

Snack Crate offers a fun way to explore the world's snacks from home and get a little culture lesson all at the same time. It's a creative way to sneak in some learning in a hands on way.
In fact, many of my home schooling friends subscribe and us it as another tool in their teaching tool belt. So smart!

If you're as intrigued as I was when I saw that ad 6 months ago, I'd love to invite your to give it a try and give you $10 off of your first Snack Crate.

There are 3 crate sizes to pick from: Mini, Original and Premium. We subscribe to the original, but if you're just wanting to dip your toes in, grab that mini! With the $10 code, it will only put you out 4 bucks. Can't beat it! It would also make an awesome birthday gift! You can cancel or change your subscription easily at any time.

If you do give Snack Crate a try, we'd love to know what you think! We are huge fans in our house and are already counting down the days until our box from the Netherlands arrives in a couple weeks!

Give yourself a pat on the back...

I mean it. Do it now. Do it....... there ya go! Great job! You deserved that pat! For what? Something. I'm sure of it.

Over the last few days, I've been trying to be more mindful of how I'm nourishing my body. I am not on a certain plan or system and don't intend to be. I'm simply making better choices. Well, in the last 3 days, I've weighed in...3 times. 😆 You're not supposed to do that, but I can't help myself. We already know I have issues, right?
Anyway, today when I got on the scale (mid afternoon mind you), I was down 5 lbs.  I don't care if it's water weight, it's 5 pounds people! I turned around, smiled big and gave myself a big ole' pat on the back and said "you're awesome!" No lie. I did...and it felt great! And I'll tell ya, it's made making good choices this afternoon much easier, cause I want to be able to do that more. It felt good to tell myself I did a good job... and really hear it.

Listen- you deserve to know when you've done something awesome. Even better, you deserve to give yourself some credit and say, "yeah I did!" and give yourself a proud pat on the back!

I don't care whether it's something super ginormous like a promotion at work or something itty bitty like not freaking out when a spider crawls across the floor, be proud of yourself!


If you helped your kids with their homework and didn't say a bad word

For doing the chore you  hate that no one notices anyway.

If you cooked dinner tonight and 3/4 of your family members ate it

If you made a phone call you were scared to make

If you stepped on the scale and were down even just 1 pound

If you managed not to strangle someone (which means you also stayed out of jail today)

PAT THAT BACK!

YOU DID THAT! No one else...YOU! That's awesome!

We cheat ourselves out of this a lot. We are told not to be prideful, but I really feel like there is a difference in feeling pride in something we've done and being prideful. Prideful is an attitude of arrogance or "being better than", but have pride in your work simply means you are proud of what you've accomplished. What you do matters!

Today, I want to do something a little different. After you read this blog, I want you to share it on Facebook. Then, in your share, I want you to give yourself a high five for something you've done today. If you're not on Facebook, add it to our comments section below.
 Shout it out! Let us hear it! Show yourself some love! You don't have to wait for someone else to give you the credit. Sometimes, just being able to really give it to ourselves means more anyway.

So...what did you do today?