If you really knew me...

When I chose my focus verse for this year, little did I know how much I would come to rely on it's words as a reminder of who I want to become. Speaking them aloud like a war chant every time I came to a struggle I was certain I couldn't face.
"Clothed in STRENGTH and DIGNITY.; she can LAUGH without fear of the future."

I want to become this woman and it seems that once I placed this into focus January 1st, the year has spent it's time challenging those very things. Beginning with surgery for endometriosis, to making the hard decision to leave our church of 16+ years, to knowing I need to make hard decisions for the sake of personal and business growth, even if they were scary (i.e. getting on a dumb plane)

Truth is, I've often felt weak...not strong.
I've not always CHOSEN to act dignified. I have a temper and it's ugly when I feel out of control.
Fear consumes me. Not just physical fear, like what I'm experiencing now as I get ready to take a flight in a few weeks that is gut wrenchingly terrifying me, but fear that I'm just not cutting it in every area of my life... and may never.
But I don't want to be those things. I want to be the Proverbs 31:25 woman and so I press on towards all she embodies. Strength. Dignity. Fearlessness.

I think it's easy for people on the outside looking in to think that I have everything together and I can take some responsibility for that because I work very hard to give off that appearance. Why? I wish I knew. It would sure take a lot of pressure off of me to not feel like I must, but I do. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that a lot of people rely on me to be the solid one, both in my personal life and my business life, and so there is no room for anything else. I told a friend the other day that when we understand more about people and their stories, we are able to be more empathetic to why they function like they do and therefore, it can be easier to get along with them, realizing that they're just as messed up as we are.

So if you really knew me....

You'd know that I am constantly swallowed up in self doubt.
That I lie in bed every night, thinking over the day, dissecting every minute.
"How could I have handled that situation better?"
"Was I a good enough leader for my team today? Do I even deserve to be their leader?"
"Did I take care of my customers the best I could have? Do they even like me?"
"Am I totally screwing up this PTA president thing? They probably wish they had someone better."
"Did I scar my children for life with my words or actions when I lost my temper? They'll probably tell a therapist about today when they grow up."
"Will they want to be near me when they grow up or be so disappointed in how they were raised that they leave?"
"Was I a good enough wife today?"
"Being thinner/fitter would make me better."
"I should have eaten better/worked out"
"I should have done another load of laundry."
"Am I a good enough friend?"

If you knew me, you'd know that....

My first relationship with a guy was filled with a type of abuse that still makes it hard for me to connect with my husband in a healthy way and I carry intense guilt over it, even knowing it wasn't my fault. The only people that know this about me are a couple close friends and my husband. I've never made it public knowledge before for the protection of the other person, but for me to be able to let it go, I need to say it and not hide it.

I have childhood memories of a loved one's abuser doing/saying terrible things to her which makes still makes me guarded and untrusting.

That my husband and I have been fiercely close, multiple times, to not making it because I have a hard time letting him love me and in turn, don't love him well enough. I question constantly if I even know how to.

That a family history of mental illness haunts me. I am constantly concerned that I'm slipping and losing it and worry about what will happen when I finally do. Who will suffer the most?

That anxiety is my conjoined twin. I don't know how to function with or without it and that it shows itself is some of the most unflattering ways and contributes to everything you've already read about me.

That these things, and many other events, have formed the control freak you see before you who has a very hard time even letting the God she loves guide her. Being in control feels sometimes like all I've got to hold on to, not because I think I can do things better than anyone else.

That I am the MASTER at faking it til I make it.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not writing this blog post at all for pity, sympathy or as an excuse for anything I've ever said or done.

I'm writing it because I need you to really know me. To see me for who I really am. Not the facade that I wear like a cozy sweater every day. Comfortable and easier than dealing with the hard stuff.
Because I want you to know that I'm working on me....constantly.
That when I fall short in your eyes, that I fell short in my eyes too and probably even shorter and I am my own greatest enemy.
That it's okay if you feel like I do too.
That it's normal..ish.
But it doesn't have to be normal and that's what God is revealing in me.
This doesn't have to be who I am.

And in this season, right now, in August of 2017, I am fighting all that this is. I am fighting to not be that person any more. I'm tired of wearing that sweater. I'm tired of the constant self judgment that I know is a tool the enemy has used to make me feel useless and like nothing over and over again. Every single day. Every time I lay down to sleep.
I don't want to carry past hurts and disappointments like tattoos on my heart or crutches making it impossible to run towards a future God is preparing.
I don't want to feel like I'm a failure in every area of my life because I can only see my faults as they overshadow the successes.
That my kids are incredible, smart and good people that love people and I'm can be okay with taking some credit for that.
That my marriage has survived 16+ years against the odds and will continue to if we work hard on it, even when it's at it's hardest to fight for.
That my team is strong and hard working and that I'll continue to be what I can for them, stretching, learning and dream chasing for and with them.
That my customers keep coming back and that must mean I'm doing something right.
That I may not be the best PTA President, but I'm present and trying and our school has seen some great things happen because that group is there.
That past hurts don't have to define my future.
That if I actually do go crazy, then none of this will matter anyway. 😆
That it's okay for me to go find help, counseling, and that's what I'm going to do. That doesn't make me weak, it just means I know a healthy life is worth fighting for.

That at the end of the day, I am in control of NONE of it and I should find rest in that instead of anxiety.

That I CAN be strong.
That I CAN walk in dignity.
That I CAN laugh without fear of the future.

Why?

Because God.

Because God knows who I really am and He loves me still and that trumps any other feelings I may have.

Because Jesus was crucified on an ugly cross to save me from all of these ugly things.

Because the Holy Spirit will sweetly remind me that I am worthy because He is within me. I need only listen.

Because who I really am right now won't be who I am forever and for that, I am grateful.

I will be  the Proverbs 31:25 woman.... some day.

The Imposter...

I hear it a lot. Too much in fact. The phrase, "You're like Wonder Woman!"

I don't like it because it's really not true. If it was, I'd be an imposter.

I get where it's coming from and I totally understand why people say it to me. If I were on the outside looking in, I'd probably say it too. I mean, here I am, a mom, wife, leader, business owner, PTA president, Sunday school teacher, church team leader who seemingly has it all together.

But truth bomb...I'm a hot mess. 

What my sweet friends and others don't see is that my constant need to do so much stems from a desire to feel valued, not from a place of trying to impress.

I also never want to be a burden on anyone. It's why I won't push myself into friendships or why I have a horrible time delegating when I do take things on. While yes, it is partly my control issues, the fear of being a burden is the controlling factor.

I over commit, try to be the best at a lot of different things and work tirelessly, some times to a point of making myself sick, trying to make sure everyone around me is happy, just so I feel worthy. 

Not because I'm a people pleaser (because truthfully, I really don't care anymore if everyone likes me), but because I need the approval. I do what I do because I want you to think I'm valuable enough to have in your life. Sad, isn't it?

Do you want to know what the worst part is though? The "light bulb" moment of reality that I had not too long ago?

My desire to feel valued and worthy of those around me and what I do to attain that, only leaves me feeling less and less valuable. Dirty rotten trick, isn't it?

I remember a birthday party I went to when I was 11. I was the unpopular kid of the group and am certain I was invited because everyone else was and it would be rude to leave me out.  I was left out anyway. The whole time. So what did I do? I helped the parents clean up while the other kids played. They seemed so appreciative. They made me feel valued when my peers did not. That is my first memory of trying to impress others so I felt like I belonged. I've done it ever since. 

I think the worst part of it all is that it's my husband and kids who get the raw end of this deal. The broken me. The tired me. The bitter me. They don't get the best of me. Everyone else does. They get the leftovers.

Now, let's pause this post a moment. I am not writing this for pity. That is not how I roll, ever. I am writing it for transparency. For you to understand that while I may look like I have it all together on the outside, that I am a flipping hot mess on the inside. It's because of my insecurities that I feel like I have to be this way. Not because I am just that cool. I'm not. At all. I am flawed.

The honest to goodness truth about this flaw is that I hit walls and HARD! 

Walls where I feel broken and lonely and exhausted after doing all this "stuff" for everyone around me and I can't figure out why my cup isn't left overflowing. I even get bitter about it when I'm the most weary. 

When we do for others, we're supposed to feel good, right? That's what it should feel like and often it does, but the root of my own problem is this. I don't value MYSELF enough to let those things fill that cup. 

Here is the good news though my friends. I'm working on it and the greatest truth I am seeing as I strive to not let the enemy make me feel like I'm junk. That I'm a bad friend, a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad leader, a bad everything. Unvalued. Unworthy. 

I am a child of the King.

No matter what I do or do not do, who I please or don't please, I am His. My feeling of worth cannot come from within or from the outside. It has to come from knowing that I am esteemed, loved, set apart, pursued and loved by Him. More precious than rubies even when I feel like coal.

As someone who struggles so much with self worth, understanding and fully accepting this part of God's goodness is a hard thing to do, but I'm getting there.

This all being said, does that mean I'm going to quit doing all the things I do? Probably not. Let's be real, I'll probably do more. It's the fault in who I am, but I'm going to work on continually seeking God's guidance in those things and ask that He remind me daily how precious I am to him. No matter how I feel.

Because that is where I will find my true value. It's where you can find yours too.

So you see, I'm not Wonder Woman. Not even a super mom. I'm just Amanda.  Full of flaws, but ever growing Amanda.