I remember the first time I left our oldest with my in-laws to go for our first overnight trip.
I remember the mom guilt. The MASSIVE, what will she do without me, mom guilt.
Then I remember the first time I left for a weekend trip after we had our second. "I'm the worst mom ever!" I thought. How selfish of me to think it was ok to leave and just go off on a trip with my husband like I didn't have little ones to take care of.
And then... then there was the first week we took away to travel to Cancun for a Scentsy leadership trip. Besides having to get on a plane, I remember just feeling like I was betraying my whole sense of motherhood by being there spending relaxing, even romantic time away with my husband.
How crazy was that? I was so wrapped up in this idea of what motherhood or parenthood was supposed to be that I felt GUILTY for putting the health of my marriage BEHIND my kids.
That was then, but this is now.
Now, we look for opportunities to sneak away. Whether it's a quick overnight somewhere or an Amtrak ride in the Fall from Chicago to Boston like we did last Fall.
Not to get away from our kids or our jobs as parents, but to be just us. Just Josh and Amanda. Just as we started.
ow
Now before I go any further, I know we could get into a whole debate about so many parts to this. In fact, even as I type, I worry about how someone will twist my words to fit their agenda. Whatever that agenda might be. Truth be known- I can't know how you'll take it or what you'll do with it. I can only pray that God makes the intention of my heart known through my words.
Don't abandon your kids. Don't use this as an excuse to not raise them. If you know me, you know that I'm almost at helicopter mom status myself. I won't call it airplane status, because I hate planes, but you get the drift.
But I digress..
Next Summer, we will have been married 19 years. On the cusp of that big 20 year mark which is just crazy to think about. (Yes, we were basically babies when we got married).
Over the last 18+ years, we have learned a lot about each other as individual people, in our roles as spouses and in our roles as parents. Heck, we learn every day I think. We've had great years and we've had seasons where we barely held on by a thread. Both in parenting and in our marriage.
Truth is, for a season, I got so caught up in trying to be the "perfect" mom, that I forgot I was his wife first and that, when in 4 years, our oldest is ready to go off to college and then in another 4 when our youngest does the same, it will just be he and I again. Just Josh and Amanda. Just us. I thought that putting God first, kids second and him third was how it was supposed to be. Haven't you thought that too? I mean, it makes sense...except it absolutely doesn't.
It's why trips like this are important. It's why the intentional time invested into "just us" is vital. To be JUST Josh and Amanda. Not K & A's mom and dad. Not employee or leader. Not business owner or volunteer firefighter. Just simply he and I.
That day is going to come. The "empty nest" of our job raising adults having been completed when they'll be living their own lives, building their own dreams and doing big things. When all is said and done, what will be left of Josh and I. Just us?
Well, hopefully, because we have been intentional with our time over the years, we will be who we are right now (but better. Always striving to be better). We will know how to spend time together without it being at a ball game or school event. We will know how to interact as a husband and wife without the role of mom and dad being constantly called on all day.
What would happen if weren't intentional with that time? Those stolen moments, days or weeks here and there? Would we know who the other was? Would we be able to spend time together like we did before we had kids? Just being silly and having fun? Or would the buffer of children and daily schedule chatter being gone strip away any familiarity we have with the other?
I don't want to become another statistic. Now or later. The divorce rate for couples over 50 who have no children at home any longer has more than doubled in the last 25 years. Friends, that's devastating. Marriage is hard enough as it is, but by not being intentional about connection, for the sake of our kids, are we becoming accidentally disconnected? So disconnected that we lose ourselves, our "just us" along the way? Which really wasn't so accidental after all, but instead, just thoughtless. (Could this be where midlife crisis' happen?)
So while I know we are and will be judged for leaving our kids at home every now and then (and by home I mean safely with their grandparents), I won't be shaken from my firm stance that if Josh and I are to stay together long after our girls have started their own lives outside of our home, we have to know who Josh and Amanda are now and who they are growing into every single year. And if we are honest, we need to be doing it just as much now so we make it to then. Are Josh and I perfect? Heck. to. the. no. Are we trying, fighting for what we want our future to look like? Heck. to. the. yes.
"Just Us" time doesn't have to be overnight trips or a week away in a beautiful destination. It can be an hour or two after bedtime, hanging out, watching tv and holding hands. It can be a movie or lunch or grocery shopping or whatever makes you feel like you're back to being a couple. The "you" you were before their was "all of us".
Hear my words my precious friend-
We put our kids ahead of our own needs as parents all of the time. We sit in the sweltering heat of ball games, work extra hours so we have money to do fun things for them, clean up their vomit (well, Josh does that. I can't) and even set our own physical and mental health aside so they can have everything they need to grow into well rounded adults who change the world.
It is NOT selfish of you to want to make sure they have parents who love each other and want to be sure they hold their marriage to the standard with which God created it for. It is NOT selfish to make sure connection & friendship with your spouse is a priority. It is NOT selfish to strive to provide a marriage worth mimicking in their own lives. Don't sacrifice a healthy, fulfilling, God honoring marriage for your kids because in the end, you're doing them a disservice as much as you are your own happiness and future.
After all is said and done, if we have raise 2 healthy, loving, God serving, productive children and our marriage has survived it, nay, come out even better than ever, than we have done a dang good job.
It is okay for us to be "just us" once in a while. We will be stronger for it, a better team for it, healthier for it and when the day comes when those kids are gone and it's just us two again, like in the beginning, we'll be even more in love for it. We will have stood the test of time and having survived raising children ready to take on whatever is next.
Just. Us.
