It's the first day of a new year, a new decade and I find myself with an intense urge to write.
But there is a problem.
I have no idea what to write about.
In this moment, just the feeling over my fingers sliding across the keys at 100 miles a minute (backspaces for corrections included), is good enough.
Good enough for me anyway, but for you, the reader, it's probably seeming pretty lame.
The thing is, I constantly feel the need to create.
Whether it's through words or actions or crafting or cooking or.... it's always there.
Always this push to make something better than it was before or make something new or plan.
Like some weird creative addict looking for a fix, I didn't realize it was so much a part of who I was until the last few weeks.
We went into our holiday season with a big trip planned. A Disney Cruise and it was awesome (even with the crummy weather).
I worked getting gifts bought and wrapped, loose ends tied up, my kids situated with school stuff and our house in order before we left. I wanted to come back to quiet and calm and rest as we entered the week of Christmas and subsequently, the New Year. No to do lists, nothing to finish up. Just time to enjoy the holidays.
But the second we were back, I became restless.
As we went through family gatherings and did all the normal Christmas activities and traditions, it lurked even still.
That restlessness turned into aimlessness.
The aimlessness into frustration and a general BLAH-ness.
Not depression, because that is a BIG word I have walked through before so I NEVER use is to describe moments of blah, but just a general "what's next?" feeling with no direction. Much like this post started with.
What I do know is that next week, the girls will go back to school and "normal" life will pick up once again. There will be needs needing met and projects come up that need done. There will be moments of inspiration that fuel crazy dreams causing me to non-stop think or work on them until they're done.
It's inevitable. It WILL happen. And I will love it. I'll eat it up, it will consume me, I'll over commit and spend nights lying awake while I map whatever the newest thing is in my head. It's what I do. It's a part of who I am. Who God has (quite) uniquely designed me to be.
But why can't I do that now? In this blah, blank space between seasons?
Because I asked God for time of rest.
And He gave it to me.
And I've been fighting it.
Wait.
What?
BOOM!
Did you catch that?
All that ranting I did before about feeling restless and aimless and not having anything to do... I ASKED for! I asked God before we left for our trip for a time of peace and rest and calm and time to "gather" myself as we step into the next season.
And then as gracious as God was to grant it, I, in my always need to be busy self, totally wished it away and didn't even take time to SEE what I was being given.
Something we all do far too often in so many things if we are honest.
Asking God to move, Him granting our heart's desires and then we just stand there like "now what?"
So God and I had a chat today. I apologized and asked for Him to continue to teach me how to find stillness. That, even in his design of who I am to always be creating, I don't miss the opportunities to just be. To enjoy the moments of not necessarily being needed instead of counteracting those moments by finding something to do so I feel valuable, useful, worthy?
Because is that really what this boils down to? Do I need to create so I feel worthy? There is a whisper that says yes, but I pray it isn't true. Regardless, I don't want that ever to be what I become, so maybe it's okay to recognize it and get it handled. I want the crazy creative brain of mine and willing to work hands to always be doing and moving how God intends for them to do and move.
Even if that means sometimes that they are both totally still.
So I guess I did figure out something to write today. It's scrambled and silly and self reflective and totally a right brain way to write I guess, but instead of just deleting it, my guess is there is someone else like me, out there, who needs to hear the same words.
That rest is ok.
That being still is ok.
That letting your mind and hands take a break is ok.
Even if it feels blah or restless or uneasy for a minute.
Because for you, for I, to be able to continue to serve the way God has designed us to serve, we HAVE to be able to take those moments, sit in them fully, and prepare ourselves for what's next.
2020, you're what's next.
I'm ready.
And as a bonus- this...
because it's hilarious and 100% accurate
