My toxic trait is...

Narrative writing

nar·ra·tive

/ˈnerədiv/

noun

• 1.a spoken or written account of connected events; a story. 
• 
  

A story. 

In this case, the skill of completely building up an entire story about how someone else is feeling, what they're doing, what they think about us or how a situation is or conversation is certain to unfurl. Deciding that the passive aggressive post or comment was CERTAINLY about us or how we must not be worthy because someone didn't "show up" in a way that was would have "shown up" for them.

It's been a conversation we've been having often within the walls of our home lately.

My girls are becoming quite skilled in this area and to be fair, they come by it naturally. You see, I have a pretend Master's degree in it. 

As someone who yearns for security, has struggled with anxiety, and hates curveballs, my narrative writing has been something I've used to "get ahead of" any hard conversations or feelings or scary events, preparing myself for what I will say or how I will react. 

Oh, by the way, Empathetic, big feeling Enneagram 2 here. Nice to meet you. 

If I can completely write an entire "what if" scenario, then, when that icky thing inevitably happens, I'm not caught off guard. I'm "safer". I can't get AS hurt.  It is something I have honed and perfected over time as a defense mechanism.  It's self-protection. At least, that's what I've convinced myself of. 

What I've come to realize is, as I've worked to make this skill something "useful" for me, all it has really done is hurt me. Big time. 

In fact, it hasn't served me in any beneficial way at all. Narrative writing IS my toxic trait. 

What I've discovered through this realization has been three fold. 

1. What I think will happen never really happens:

The first thing I've realized is 99.9% of the situations or conversations I have "written" never actually turn out like I've dreamed up. I have caused myself immense fear, heartache and worry over something that just isn't likely to even happen.

That's logical. 

Of course they don't. Why? Well, first- I have a REALLY good imagination. I mean, REALLY GOOD! You should see how I dream or what I can create when I use that super power for good. 

But in this frame, I don't just dream up the basics when I start writing pretend conversations or scenarios. I go into full detail of who will say or do what, what they MUST be thinking about me right now or, in my deepest places, exactly how that plane will plummet from the sky in a barreling ball of fire and smoke and how I would save me and mine.  (Logic check- I know there is nothing I could actually do in that last example. Which is why I don't fly. 😂. Level 74 of aforementioned toxic trait. We will save that for another day).

The issue is, typically, when our brains go into Narrative writing mode, it's usually 0% logical or rational thinking. Okay, maybe like 5% tops because sometimes we write those stories based on past experiences in those spaces, but I don't think we can give it much more than that because our imaginations certainly make things a little more wild than what truth really is. 

In fact, in this very moment, I am fighting the urge to author an entire made up story as someone who normally communicates with me often has just... stopped. Cold turkey. I've reached out and had with no reply (but the message has been seen) which has prompted moments of spiraling thoughts on the why. 

I must have said something that made them mad, disappointed them, or they probably just don't like me anymore. Seem familiar?

Side note: This doesn't mean that there won't be times when you just come across someone who is just plain miserable, but that isn't for you to carry either unless you HAVE done something wrong and then you do need to go make it right. Even if right means that you can go separate ways, but the beef has been squashed so both of you can move on peacefully. 

Circling back to logical thinking, the truth is, they could just be busy or not need my help like they once did or could be going through some of their own junk, but I can't help but decide it must be a ME issue. 

Which takes me to my next discovery on why this is more harmful than helpful.

It's all about me.

I don't consider myself a selfish person, but this is one area where I make it all about me. 

Nearly every narrative I write has ME on the defense. 

"They must hate ME." "They must not like ME" . "I am not good enough". "I must have done something wrong." " Me, me, I, I and the cycle continues. 

As I decide for myself what is going on in someone's head or heart, I inadvertently rip myself apart,  nit picking everything I've said or done, trying to dissect it down to the root so I can then work how I need to deal with it, what I will say or not say, so I don't mess up again. 

Wait, wait, wait. Isn't this "skill" supposed to be about protecting me? Funny, isn't it? Well, not really funny. Sad. Really sad because this can also has a super fun side affect of triggering my anxiety which can send me into a tailspin of feelings and emotions that spill into other areas like my parenting, my beliefs in myself as a leader in my business or even my role as a wife and friend. 

Self-depreciating talk that leaves me feeling like an absolute failure in all the things. All because someone didn't reply to my text or didn't say hi at Walmart.

It couldn't POSSIBLY be that something is off because THEY are busy or have THEIR own things going on or are struggling with THEIR own junk. It's because I'm worthless. It must be ME. 

How unfair of me to do this to myself, but to them as well. 

Which brings me to my last discovery. 

It isn't fair to them either. 

As much as it isn't fair to my own heart to decide I am the issue, it isn't fair to them either. 

This is something I realized in talking with my oldest who, in her own narrative writing, decided that one of her close friends must not really like her because she invited someone else to do something with her instead of my daughter. She did her own little spiral of self talk & then started getting angry at her friend for what she THOUGHT she was thinking and doing.

Whoa nelly! Hold your horses! That's so unfair. 

In writing our own narrative, we don't only end up being insanely hard on ourselves, but we also are too harsh on others. We put words in their mouths, thoughts in their heads and can even vastly redesign their entire character simply because we can't get out imaginations in check. I've seen people literally throw away long time friendships based on assumptions they've dreamed up inside their own pretty little heads based very little on fact. 

It is so important in these moments that we stop & remember who it is we are talking about. Is how you're feeling about what you THINK they are feeling/saying/doing true to who they are?

Do they normally act like the crazy person you have created them to be?

Do they normally say or do the hateful things you've now created them to say or do because of your insecurities or fears?

No? Then stop putting that on them! Stop trying to convince yourself they are your enemy. STOP WRITING THE NARRATIVE. 

It's a lie.

This "act of self-protection" has been a lie all along. A device the enemy has used to trick us into thinking if we "got ahead" of the situation in our heads,  we'll be much more prepared to handle them in real life. Absolute bull snot. 

We not only end up damaging ourselves in this process by increasing our own fear & anxiety & treating our own minds and hearts with disrespect, but we end up treating others poorly too. 

Whether directly, by a lashing out with hurtful works after you spent weeks stirring up undue anger inside yourself because you already decided what they were thinking or feeling.

Or indirectly by cheating them and ourselves out of meaningful conversations and relationships because we've misjudged and mislabeled who they really are or their intent. All because we couldn't get our imaginations in check. All because we took a smidgen of experience or information & blew it up into a 5 part Lifetime series.

It isn't fair to anyone involved. You, them, anytime caught in between.

So how do we stop it? Well, I'm still figuring that part out. 

What I can share is when I do find myself starting to go "down the rabbit hole" I try to stop & ask myself these questions:

"Is that who they really are?"

"Is that who I really am?"

"Is that fact or what I think is true?"

"Is this logical or emotional?"

So far, I've been able to talk myself off the ledge by running through this list, but on the occasion that I haven't, I just do the hard thing and go have the conversation with whomever it is I feel a weird thing with. I throw out a "hey, are we ok?" or "so, I have a quick question because we know I'm crazy and I can't stop thinking about..." (a little light heartedness so it isn't as awkward) 

Want to hear some good news? To date, 95% of it was indeed all in my head! 😆 Of course it was.

Oh and that 5%? It's bene all easily solved with a convo the clear some miscommunication or confusion up. That's it! Whew! What a relief! 

So today, let me challenge you, as I continue to challenge myself to stop writing the narrative. We are not the Author.

Use that creative energy for good, not the bad.

Use that wild imagination for taking your kids on fun adventures or story telling or creating a life you love. 

Not for dreaming up what could go wrong, is going wrong, how you've done wrong or being wronged. 

There is no peace to be found is sitting inside the what ifs.  

Live inside the freedom that can be found in extending that grace to yourself and to others. 

Live inside the life you are living, not the version you try to write to protect yourself of what could come.

Do yourself a favor. 

Stop writing the narrative. 

The $50 Home Makeover

Like a lot of people who ended up at home during the lockdown of 2020, I became quite restless. I am a doer & that didn't subside while my doing couldn't be done. Instead of being able to do things outside my home, I turned to doing things for my home. Idle hands and all...

During quarantine, we had already repainted our living area, gave my youngest daughter's bedroom a new look with a fun accent wall and updated our den with a shiplap half wall & more industrial theme. You'd think that would have kept me busy enough to scratch the "doers" itch, but it didn't, so I was always looking for another project to tackle. It was therapy. A way to "escape" the heaviness around us.

I've never loved the color of the brick on our home. I mean, it was fine, but it was dark & didn't reflect at all what to expect when you came inside, which is light, airy & full of greys & blues. A color palette & feel we hope brings a coziness to our guests. It was also VERY 1980 Ranch. Which is great...for 1980. But not for us, now. 

Meh. 😂

But, I mean, what could I do about that? I'd researched painting the brick before, but there were a couple of hang ups for me. The first being that painting brick can be potentially harmful to the brick itself & cause it to deteriorate. The second was cost. If you know me, value is a big deal to me. (I feel like this is a much nicer label than cheap or even frugal). The cost to have brick painted or even do it yourself isn't small. And then what if I hated it? There would be no turning back & I'd be stuck.

Which is what sent me on a road to Pinterest. Pinterest, in my opinion, is the mecca of all things "How can I get what I want without paying a bunch for it". The DIY'ers goldmine.

And what I found has had a massive impact on the look of our home and has probably brought you to this blog to see how you can do the same for yours, so I'm here to share my new found smarts with you.

What I found was a process for white washing brick using Hydrated Lime. NOT the hydrated lime you would use in your garden. This is a SUPER important thing to know. I'm talking about Hydrated Lime masons use in doing concrete or brick work. We will talk more about that in a minute. 

I read about another bloggers experience white washing their brick using this method. (I would have linked her process here, but it looks as if her blog is no longer active).

She shared her before & after pics, her tips & that the whole project only cost them about $50. 

WHAT!? ONLY $50?!!!!! 

SOLD!

It took a few more days to read up on this process &, let's be honest, talk my husband into letting me try it.  I think what sold him was the minimal cost & that if we hated the outcome, we could power wash it off within a day or two & it would be like it never happened. My guess is he figured it would at least keep be busy for a couple of days so I wouldn't come up with another project instead. ;) 

So I masked up & headed out to find my supplies.

Here is what I needed:

 

• Masonry Brush - $7.50 from Lowes. I recommend picking one with bristles that are soft & not plastic like. We bought both & the application was much easier with the softer brush
• A 50lb bag of Hydrated Lime $20 from Yeager's hardware store (Our Lowes & Home Depot didn't have any. Again, NOT garden Lime. You want what is meant for concrete/masonry)
• 5 gallon bucket for mixing
• Water 
• Gloves - I didn't wear them on day 1 & realized at the end of the day why I should of. It will irritate your skin & you won't feel it until you've cleaned up & see red blotches that 
• Protective eye wear - for the same reason as wearing gloves. The hydrated lime is caustic, so while it won't feel like it's in there or burn, it can cause damage if it gets in your peepers, so just protect them, mmk?

An additional tool we bough was an attachment for a drill to mix the solution in the bucket, which is what pushes our project total to $50. Otherwise, we'd be just around $30. This is optional and is helpful, but not 100% a must. 

We also recommend power washing your brick to clean it well a day or two before you are going to white wash it. We already had one, so that was not an additional cost. 

The Application Process- 

As I just mentioned, I recommend power washing your brick to make sure any dirt or debris is off of it before white washing to make sure you get the best coverage possible.

    1. You'll start by mixing your solution. If you want a solid white look to your brick, you'll mix your solution with a 1:1 ratio. Meaning, 1 cup of lime to 1 cup of water. Mix well until full combined.

TIP: We made our batches 4 cups at a time (4 cups lime to 4 cups of water) so didn't have to mix new batches as often. 

    If you want a thinner, more transparent finish so some of your brick shows, you'll simply dilute it with more water. I would definitely make sure you're keeping up with measurements so your ratio stays consistent through the process. You might even test a small section of bricks with different ratios, letting it dry for a few hours & seeing which you like best. We wanted an opaque finish, so 1:1 was the solution for us.

    2. Working a section at a time, wet your brick well with water. Dip your masonry brush into your solution and starting at the top, wipe it onto the brick. This is a sloppy process but SOOOO easy!

Cover your brick, using the bristles to help get into the nooks and crannies, down to the bottom of that section.

    3. Repeat this process for each section, working your way around the house, overlapping the last section just a little. Remember, wet your brick then wipe on your solution top to bottom.

Now, listen. This won't look like much when it's wet. Here is what I mean-

You will think you need to go over it again or add more. Don't. Let it dry.

As the solution dries into the brick, it will become more opaque i.e. solid. You can also go back and do another coat once it is dry if it isn't as solid as you'd like. Just be patient with the process. 

    

After 1 coat of a 1:1 ratio

Cleaning up your tools is this easy as well. Simply spray everything down with water & wash it out. 

If, after you've let everything dry, you hate it. Don't worry! As long as you take a power washer to is within a couple of days, you SHOULD be able to remove all signs of your project and go back to your original look. I'm not going to promise it, because I don't want that liability, but it should wash right off. 

                                               Before                               After drying, but before distressing

Adding some character- 

Once you've done your whole house, you can then decide if you want to keep it solid or go back and add in some brick "distressing" to add a little more character.

I tried a few different techniques for this trying to get the right look & what I found to be the best method was a dish scrubbing brush and water. I dipped the brush in the water and went over the brick to basically scrub away the white wash. I did them singularly and in groups to give a "worn" look. There is no real pattern and some brick has more distressing than others, but that's the point, right?

Some final tips-

A few of other notes that I would share with you that we learned along the way would be these...

• Having a second person to be one step ahead of you is SUPER helpful. My husband would stay ahead of me and take care of things like moving anything in the way or pre wetting the brick. This allowed me to just keep moving along. 

• If you drip on a surface you don't want white wash on, don't fret. On things like windows, it cleans easily with paper towels and water. On concrete, like your porch, you can pour water on it quickly to dilute it thin enough to wash off or, if you're like us, and let it set for...a couple of weeks, a quick spray of the power washer lifted it right out. 

• When the brick gets wet from rain or any other water source, it will become transparent. This doesn't mean it's ruined. Once it dries, it will go back to normal.  We have found in a few spots, where runoff from rain hits the rock or concrete next to the house and bounces hard back up on the brick that we have some wear happening. We will fix this by doing a touch up coat of white wash & putting some landscaping down to prevent any further wear. Easy peasy.

That's it! That's all there is to it! It really is THAT simple and man, the final look is chef's kiss!

Your "new" brick should last around 5-7 years before needing to be touched up. During that time, it will just gradually, lightly fade. You might even enjoy that look too! 

In my opinion, for the outcome we got and how easy the process was, needing a touch up in 5-7 years is totally worth it! We have had SO many wonderful compliments on how it has totally changed the look of our 1980's Ranch style house & it feels even better knowing it was such an inexpensive and simple project to take on. We are 6 months in at this point & are still looking snazzy!

                Back Porch before white wash                                                 After white wash 

This $50 project totally turned into a "If you give a mouse a cookie" situation, but those are blogs for another day. 😆 White washing the brick totally inspired some other changes, so be prepared for that too. 😂

We ended up painting our roof. Yes, painted it, (using Behr Roof Paint ) to be more cohesive with the white & also replaced  the old, stained vinyl siding from cream to grey. We also totally demo'd the roof on the back porch & replaced it with a whole new add on to our home. I'll share that update in another blog post. It's AWESOME! 

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Have questions? Ask away! 

-Amanda