The struggle is so real. Am I right? The struggle to feel like you're doing a good job.
Like you're valuable.
Like you're enough.
Like people like you.
And it doesn't just stick to one area, does it? It's spreads like a disease that moves from how you're parenting, how well you're doing your job, if you're contributing well enough your friendships, loving your spouse enough and even how we view our bodies.
Then the enemy comes in with what seems to be the world's largest magnifying glass. Even the areas you feel like you have under control seem to start showing wear. LOOK HERE! he says. Showing you every tiny failure as though you've just doomed all man kind.
The struggle is real.
I've recently had a few experiences that have made me fight spiraling down into the realm of nonsense. In my family, we call this falling down the rabbit hole. An Alice in Wonderland reference. Some small, some bigger, but the end game the same. The argument in my head of whether the thoughts floating around were true and worth hanging on to or lies of the enemy that needed to be thrown in the trash can as soon as they came across my mental "desk". File 13'd if you will. The troublesome fact is that often, not much trash gets taken out. Instead, I hold on to it like a hoarder or all the things. Today has been one of those days. A few very separate moments that I've rabbit holed into one big "I'm doing nothing right" wad.
Here is an example of what has ensued lately when I step too close to the hole.
(insert Alice yelling "Bye Dina!" as she tumbles through the dark)
"Am I a good enough leader? Am I inspiring my team? Do they even like me? What if they don't like me, but are just dealing with me because it's all they've got? I mean, if I was, this, this, and this would be different. I must really be messing up."
"I saw so and so at the store today. They didn't even acknowledge me. I wonder what I did? Do they think I did something? I wonder if they're talking about me behind my back? What are they saying? That's not even true (my answer to my made up theories about made up gossip)."
"Man I'm messing up this mom thing? I mean, if I wasn't my kids wouldn't be so hard headed and talk back, right? They would be gentle and kind and show the manners I'm working to teach them. They'd pick up their clothes and wouldn't fight or use their wit to throw word darts at each other. Practical princesses. But they're not and it's my fault."
And then the most pathetic one of all. Ready for it?
"Why isn't anyone commenting on my FB post? I mean, it's helpful and funny and all the things, but no one even liked it. Maybe it's me. Maybe they don't like what I post and so they just keep scrolling wishing they could somehow delete me without me knowing"'
Friends. If my daughter had those thoughts about some social media post she'd made I'd have to resist the urge to pop her upside her head and ask why on earth she was associating her value with thumbs ups and passing comments. So stupid. So so stupid.
But I did it.
And you do it too, don't you?
I think as a woman, this is so common, but I dare not say that men don't also fight the same battle, but in silence. The fight for self worth and learning to fully disconnect the lines we mistakenly draw between every day life stuff and who we are.
The fact is, leadership doesn't always come with reassurance and we have to be okay with that.
Sometime people have stuff and don't see you. Legit don't see you and how selfish of us to decide it's all about us. Like maybe they have other stuff going on. Hard stuff. So selfish.
A dirty towel on the floor doesn't mean you're breeding serial killers.
"Likes" don't equal love.
So how do we fight back? How do we quiet the voice of despair and let truth scream louder?
How do we stop just before following the rabbit down his hole?
I mean he is awful cute. Stopwatch and all. But alas, what follows when we get too close to the hole is we inevitably tumble down it's treacherous dark spaces with a world of chaos and confusion at the end. A place where nonsense is King.
I think the first part is to protect yourself from even getting that close. When the thoughts and ideas begin, to immediately treat them like some obnoxious balloon and pop them. Not today balloon! Not Today.
Second, I think we need to recognize how upside down those thoughts are. Even Alice saw it.
Those thoughts that turn into other thoughts and spiral out of control are typically 99% false, but we've given them a crumb of truth and let them swallow us whole. Look at those thoughts and truly break them down. Instead of focusing on what you think you've done wrong or why you don't think you're good enough, flip the mirror, so it's right side up.
Why do you do right? Many things I'm sure.
What are you good at? So, so much.
Do you lead with your team's dreams and best interest in mind? Then you're enough. Good job!
Are you respectful of others, treat them well and stay out of gossip? Then you're enough! Bravo!
Do you teach your kids to love people, show compassion and work hard? Then who cares about the wet towel! You're killing this parenting thing!
Is what you posted on social media something that encourages, makes people laugh or inspires? Then does it really matter if they hit that dumb thumbs up button? You've made Facebook a brighter place instead of adding to it's darkness. I applaud you!
Greater than all of this, though, we need to remember in Who's image we've been created. Whether you're a believer or not, I fully trust that you and I both were created from a loving Father who thinks we are pretty fantastic and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.
And His Word is filled with the reminders of how valuable we are. Not how valuable WE THINK we are. How truly, unequivocally for certain, for sure, no questions asked, VALUABLE we are. Does this mean you'll wake up tomorrow with never having to deal with self worth issues again? No. But it should remind you that you can fight back. With an arsenal of promises from His word and the ability to flip the mirror. To recognize the false and ridiculous thoughts that begin to fill our heads like a bucket of water. To quickly drive holes in that bucket to help them fall right back out again.
That's where our power lies.
So tomorrow, should you indeed wake up, or maybe you're even struggling today, with thoughts about everything you're messing up or doing wrong. Stop. I'll stop with you.
Take a step back (away from the hole, flip the mirror and remind yourself of what you're doing right.
Change the perspective, focus on the good, nay, even great, and give yourself some credit.
That rabbit is cute and all and tea time looks sort of fun, but that Queen of Hearts is waiting for you and she's only after your head heart. Don't even bother to show up.
