If you really knew me...

When I chose my focus verse for this year, little did I know how much I would come to rely on it's words as a reminder of who I want to become. Speaking them aloud like a war chant every time I came to a struggle I was certain I couldn't face.
"Clothed in STRENGTH and DIGNITY.; she can LAUGH without fear of the future."

I want to become this woman and it seems that once I placed this into focus January 1st, the year has spent it's time challenging those very things. Beginning with surgery for endometriosis, to making the hard decision to leave our church of 16+ years, to knowing I need to make hard decisions for the sake of personal and business growth, even if they were scary (i.e. getting on a dumb plane)

Truth is, I've often felt weak...not strong.
I've not always CHOSEN to act dignified. I have a temper and it's ugly when I feel out of control.
Fear consumes me. Not just physical fear, like what I'm experiencing now as I get ready to take a flight in a few weeks that is gut wrenchingly terrifying me, but fear that I'm just not cutting it in every area of my life... and may never.
But I don't want to be those things. I want to be the Proverbs 31:25 woman and so I press on towards all she embodies. Strength. Dignity. Fearlessness.

I think it's easy for people on the outside looking in to think that I have everything together and I can take some responsibility for that because I work very hard to give off that appearance. Why? I wish I knew. It would sure take a lot of pressure off of me to not feel like I must, but I do. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that a lot of people rely on me to be the solid one, both in my personal life and my business life, and so there is no room for anything else. I told a friend the other day that when we understand more about people and their stories, we are able to be more empathetic to why they function like they do and therefore, it can be easier to get along with them, realizing that they're just as messed up as we are.

So if you really knew me....

You'd know that I am constantly swallowed up in self doubt.
That I lie in bed every night, thinking over the day, dissecting every minute.
"How could I have handled that situation better?"
"Was I a good enough leader for my team today? Do I even deserve to be their leader?"
"Did I take care of my customers the best I could have? Do they even like me?"
"Am I totally screwing up this PTA president thing? They probably wish they had someone better."
"Did I scar my children for life with my words or actions when I lost my temper? They'll probably tell a therapist about today when they grow up."
"Will they want to be near me when they grow up or be so disappointed in how they were raised that they leave?"
"Was I a good enough wife today?"
"Being thinner/fitter would make me better."
"I should have eaten better/worked out"
"I should have done another load of laundry."
"Am I a good enough friend?"

If you knew me, you'd know that....

My first relationship with a guy was filled with a type of abuse that still makes it hard for me to connect with my husband in a healthy way and I carry intense guilt over it, even knowing it wasn't my fault. The only people that know this about me are a couple close friends and my husband. I've never made it public knowledge before for the protection of the other person, but for me to be able to let it go, I need to say it and not hide it.

I have childhood memories of a loved one's abuser doing/saying terrible things to her which makes still makes me guarded and untrusting.

That my husband and I have been fiercely close, multiple times, to not making it because I have a hard time letting him love me and in turn, don't love him well enough. I question constantly if I even know how to.

That a family history of mental illness haunts me. I am constantly concerned that I'm slipping and losing it and worry about what will happen when I finally do. Who will suffer the most?

That anxiety is my conjoined twin. I don't know how to function with or without it and that it shows itself is some of the most unflattering ways and contributes to everything you've already read about me.

That these things, and many other events, have formed the control freak you see before you who has a very hard time even letting the God she loves guide her. Being in control feels sometimes like all I've got to hold on to, not because I think I can do things better than anyone else.

That I am the MASTER at faking it til I make it.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not writing this blog post at all for pity, sympathy or as an excuse for anything I've ever said or done.

I'm writing it because I need you to really know me. To see me for who I really am. Not the facade that I wear like a cozy sweater every day. Comfortable and easier than dealing with the hard stuff.
Because I want you to know that I'm working on me....constantly.
That when I fall short in your eyes, that I fell short in my eyes too and probably even shorter and I am my own greatest enemy.
That it's okay if you feel like I do too.
That it's normal..ish.
But it doesn't have to be normal and that's what God is revealing in me.
This doesn't have to be who I am.

And in this season, right now, in August of 2017, I am fighting all that this is. I am fighting to not be that person any more. I'm tired of wearing that sweater. I'm tired of the constant self judgment that I know is a tool the enemy has used to make me feel useless and like nothing over and over again. Every single day. Every time I lay down to sleep.
I don't want to carry past hurts and disappointments like tattoos on my heart or crutches making it impossible to run towards a future God is preparing.
I don't want to feel like I'm a failure in every area of my life because I can only see my faults as they overshadow the successes.
That my kids are incredible, smart and good people that love people and I'm can be okay with taking some credit for that.
That my marriage has survived 16+ years against the odds and will continue to if we work hard on it, even when it's at it's hardest to fight for.
That my team is strong and hard working and that I'll continue to be what I can for them, stretching, learning and dream chasing for and with them.
That my customers keep coming back and that must mean I'm doing something right.
That I may not be the best PTA President, but I'm present and trying and our school has seen some great things happen because that group is there.
That past hurts don't have to define my future.
That if I actually do go crazy, then none of this will matter anyway. 😆
That it's okay for me to go find help, counseling, and that's what I'm going to do. That doesn't make me weak, it just means I know a healthy life is worth fighting for.

That at the end of the day, I am in control of NONE of it and I should find rest in that instead of anxiety.

That I CAN be strong.
That I CAN walk in dignity.
That I CAN laugh without fear of the future.

Why?

Because God.

Because God knows who I really am and He loves me still and that trumps any other feelings I may have.

Because Jesus was crucified on an ugly cross to save me from all of these ugly things.

Because the Holy Spirit will sweetly remind me that I am worthy because He is within me. I need only listen.

Because who I really am right now won't be who I am forever and for that, I am grateful.

I will be  the Proverbs 31:25 woman.... some day.