How to be the rule breaker...

Yesterday I shared with you the stirring drive within my heart to show others how to "break the rules" and promised I'd be back today to share with you how to do just that.

As a refresher, I'm not talking about ACTUAL rules, because the rules I'm talking about aren't actual at all. These aren't speed limits & "don't touch a hot stove". They are rules placed on us by family history, a bad teacher, a "friend" or even ourselves outlying what we are or are not capable of.
That we aren't smart enough for....
Capable enough for...
We will only ever have.... because that's all anyone in our family has ever had.
Pick your poison. Whatever your "rules" are, it's time to break them at the cost of taking responsibility of your dreams and chasing them.

Now I mentioned that I'd be showing you how break the rules you've been held back by and to do that, you have to start with recognizing the role you play in those rules. You've, so far, accepted them as your reality and today, that stops. Today, you'll change your whole way of thinking and as you make conscious choices every single day to chase your dreams, you'll keep all of the following in mind. Are you ready? Here we go...

1. Live with gratitude, not entitlement
2. Forgive others instead of holding a grudge
3. Give people credit for (and celebrate) their victories instead of being jealous
4. Pass out compliments like candy and keep criticism in your pocket.
5. Learn something new every day instead of "knowing it all" already.
6. Talk about ideas of how to make your community better, instead of other people
7. Openly cheer on those around you instead of secretly hoping they will fail
8. Share your knowledge and your gifts instead of holding them for ransom
9. Keep a list of goals instead of a list of failures
10. Exude joy, not anger or bitterness
11. Embrace change instead of fearing it
12. Read or listen to a book on a topic you love instead of watching TV
13. Take a chance on an opportunity instead of living with "what if..."
14. Share your story, because others need to hear it. Even if it's hard.

Now you're probably reading this list and wondering where are the tips on getting others to make your life better aren't you? Sorry. That's not what this is about. This is about the power YOU have to flip the script, to change the channel, to stop living by the rules that you've been bound by, because friends, that's where it really lies. In you.

So start today. Pick one or 5 of these things and start making changes. Show the world that you are brave enough, strong enough, strong enough and fiesty enough to pick up your dreams and run with them. No matter what's happened every single day leading up to this one.
Because this one is the one that is going to change it all.
All because YOU chose to break the rules.

Be the "rule" breaker...

Living in a small, rural town in Oklahoma of just about 2,000 people, you see it often and I'm sure you've see it where you live too. It's common. Too common. 
The poverty mentality. 
Generation after generation living a life of constant struggle.
The idea that "grandma was broke, momma was broke and so I'll be broke too."
"Grandpa had nothing, daddy had nothing and I'll have nothing too."
"They weren't smart, so I can't be smart and my kids have no hope."

It's a dream crushing, imagination squashing, living outside of God's promises way to think. 
And it breaks my heart. 

I also see it in our business.
People in our team and in customers who have signed some invisible "contract" in their lives to just live their days miserable, broken and well below what they are capable of.
All because "that's just the way it is" and that "rule" keeps them from pursuing a life well lived. 

But wait. 
What if it's not true?
What if that isn't just the way it has to be?
What if you could break that "rules" of leading a life that is in constant turmoil and struggle?
Because you can.
You absolutely can.
You just have to do it. 
Did you hear that? YOU HAVE TO DO IT!

Years ago, it was said that it was not humanly possible for the body to run a mile under 4 minutes. Experts weighed in, runners gave it a go (even having bulls chase them to spur them along) and it just wasn't happening. 

As runner's persisted in chasing this goal, a record was finally set in the 1940's to 4:01. 
Not under 4 minutes, but 4:01. That record held for 9 years. It was never going to happen. No one would ever run a mile under 4 minutes. Generations before couldn't make it happen, so why would generations after even bother?
Everyone knew it wasn't possible.

Except Roger Bannister.

On May 6th, 1954, Roger decided that it could be done and he would be the one to do it.
Taking responsibility for his dreams and waiting on no one else to do it for him, Roger ignored the "rules" that it couldn't be done and ran a mile in 3 minutes and 59.4 seconds. 
Record broken. Forever in the history books. His life changed as he finally grasped what so many before could never grab hold of.

Even more important is what followed. 
Once the record was broken by Roger, others started doing it too. First, just a few and then more. Now, over 60 years later, there are high school students running 4 minute miles. A feat history told them wasn't even possible is done every single day, all over the world. 
Why? Because one person changed their mindset. 
One person didn't follow the "this is how it's always been" thought.
One person took responsibility for their dreams and made it happen.
And the rest of the world saw IT WAS possible after all. 

You have to become the rule breaker in your own life. You know, the "rules" that you'd always have and be nothing? Yeah, I'm giving you full on permission to break them. 

Just because the generations before you couldn't see possibility and hope, doesn't mean you have to be tied to the same demise. That is solely the way your mind has been programmed. 
Psst....You can change the channel. 

Change the channel not just for your life or your finances or your dreams. Change it for the generations who will come after you. Be the one who shows the rest of them what's possible. Give them permission to do the same!

If you intend to do anything great with your life, it starts with you, not anyone else.
And it's starts today, not tomorrow. It starts by letting go of what others have told you that you are capable or not capable of. It starts by choosing to stop being fine with just settling for a mediocre life.
It starts by taking responsibility for your dreams, changing the channel and running after them just like Roger chased that 4 minute mile.

Henry Ford once said  “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”
Today, which will it be? 

Tomorrow, I'm going to post again and share with you ways to battle this mindset. Challenging you to change it does no good unless I give you tools to do so, right?
To make sure you don't miss it, be sure to subscribe to our blog.

Until then, Happy Dream Chasing.- Amanda

Be the joy...

Sometimes that is easier said than done, right? To be the joy in the lives of those around you.

In our business, the business of customer service, this can be one of the greatest tools you could possibly have in your pocket. To be the joy in the lives of your customers.

"What does that even mean?" you ask? "I'm just here to take their order and deliver their products" you say?

Oh, but you can do and be so much more.

Being joy in the lives of your customers means being the person who they love to do business with because the experience they have with you always leaves them feeling awesome. The "Chick Fil A" experience if you will.

A smile. A thank you. A "my pleasure!"

But it goes beyond just this.

It's recognizing that because your two lives are intersected because of your business, you have the opportunity to do life WITH your customer. Now, this doesn't mean you need to be all up in their business and know every intricate detail of said life.  We aren't talking stalker here, but what we are talking about is going beyond just a sales transaction. Showing your customer that because they invest you in, you're willing to invest in them.

To celebrate their highs & recognize the lows. To be gracious and generous and appreciative of what they bring to the table. That every interaction with your customer leaves them better than when they came. That you, with intention, do or say something that reminds then why they can't imagine doing business with anyone else. This could all be said for your role as a leader. The two aren't very far apart at all. It comes down to joy.


"So how do I do that?" I'm glad you asked.

You give handwritten thank you cards. You say 'Happy Birthday!' You celebrate new babies or jobs or graduations. You offer condolences or prayers when their hearts are aching. You bring laughter & goodness on Facebook instead of grouchy complaints or "shares" of ugliness. You smile or say hello when you pass them at Target. You tie up their packages with beautiful ribbon making each order a gift, even if it's just for themselves. You be the joy.

One of my favorite quotes from Walt Disney is this...

Be the joy and do it well. While goodies and giveaways and samples are all great, YOU are truly your greatest billboard when it comes to your business. Your product is amazing, no doubt, but people come back because of what YOU can give them. An experience they can't get many other places. 

Being the joy won't always be easy either. 

When we have our own tough stuff going on, pouring good into those around us can feel daunting. But, my friend, when you choose joy, even in those moments, and you share that joy with others, not only will you see a shift in your business as your customers come back for more and bring their friends along too, but what you'll find is that in being the joy for those around you, your own cup will begin to overflow. It will be inevitable. 

Be the joy.

Happy dream chasing.

-Amanda

Frontline Binder System

One of the best parts of my job is loving on my team. One way I do this is by keeping a Frontline Binder for every person in my direct team (meaning there is not a director between them an I).
Here is an example:

When a new consultant joins, as a part of their welcome message, I ask for this information you see above with the explanation that I like to send fun mail for different occasions.
I keep a stack printed out and in my binder so they are always ready to go.
Once filled out, I file in it alphabetical order in my binder. (This makes it easy for quick reference).
Each month, during the first week of the month, I pull my binder out and can easily flip through each page seeing who has a wedding anniversary, birthday, Scentiversary (the day they joined Scentsy) or if their spouse or children has a birthday in that month. I also like to send cards for other life events (wedding, babies) and seasonal events like the start of school or Christmas.
 I list dates in numbers (I.E. 8/6/2018) so I can look for the number corresponding to the current month. Speeds up the process that much more.

I use the lower half of the file to make notes throughout the month. This could include goals, obstacles or life stuff I see going on  that I want to be able to reference next time we talk. It's important for me to know these things so I'm not asking them to say, host an open house when they're in the middle of moving.

Another convenient aspect of this binder is that I can take it and my postcard box with me wherever I am. This means that I can work in the car rider line at school, at Panera, or even just over on the couch. Because I have all of their info right in front of me, I don't have to run reports or filter through the workstation for their address and so on.

It has become one of my favorite tools for my business and I'm sharing it HERE for you to use as well, should you like. If you're looking for a better to build connection and "stickiness" between you and your team, start here. When your team feels and sees you invested in their non-business life, they will become more invested in their business life.

(The file is a Word document, so you will need Microsoft Word or Open Office to view it.)

Happy Dream Chasing!
Amanda

I see you...

I do.
Every single one of you.
And I think about you.
About what could have been had you seen it in you too.
Had you been willing to give it more time, more attention, more heart.
If you'd quit listening to the outside voices and the inside voices too that told you this wouldn't work.
I think about the bills you could have paid off. The trips you could have taken. The lives you would have changed. The stories you would have had a hand in creating.
I see momma's who wanted better for their kids. I see women who desired connection & friendship. I see wanderers who couldn't wait to travel the world.
I see moments where past failures tainted the new opportunity.
Where self doubt spoiled the brewing potential.
Where mismanaged time become "I don't have enough of it."
I see you.
And it makes my heart ache.
Because it's in those moments, when I see you "checking out" of your dreams that I wonder what would have happened if those before me had done the same.
If the ones who pursued better for their own self had "checked out" before I had the chance to see what it could do for me.
Would we be here or would we still be swimming drowning debt & "insufficient funds" notices?
Would I still be lonely and depressed & aching for connection?
Would my daughter's have an example of doing things differently in their lives?
Would my marriage have even survived?
Would we have made it to new countries or even across our own?
Would we be living here? Driving this? Doing these things?
Would I even be a dreamer anymore?
What would have happened?

But they didn't. They didn't quit.
They pursued, pressed on & tried harder.
They worked for 'yes' when all they were getting were 'no'.
They ignored the "that will never work" and showed them that it would.
They did not check out on their dreams, but chased them with roaring passion.
Because they knew they were worth it. No matter the cost. No matter the fleeting moments of disappointment. No matter how long it would take. No matter what hills had to be climbed or what awkward "come to Jesus" moments it took with a leader who loved them.
They saw something in them that fueled them forwards and somewhere down the line, I saw it in me too. The hope for something greater and the courage to chase it.

So I see you.
and I still cheer for you.
And I still wonder what could have been...
If you'd only see it in you too.

Falling down the rabbit hole...

The struggle is so real. Am I right? The struggle to feel like you're doing a good job.

Like you're valuable.

Like you're enough.

Like people like you.

And it doesn't just stick to one area, does it? It's spreads like a disease that moves from how you're parenting, how well you're doing your job, if you're contributing well enough your friendships, loving your spouse enough and even how we view our bodies.

Then the enemy comes in with what seems to be the world's largest magnifying glass. Even the areas you feel like you have under control seem to start showing wear. LOOK HERE! he says. Showing you every tiny failure as though you've just doomed all man kind.

The struggle is real.

I've recently had a few experiences that have made me fight spiraling down into the realm of nonsense. In my family, we call this falling down the rabbit hole. An Alice in Wonderland reference. Some small, some bigger, but the end game the same. The argument in my head of whether the thoughts floating around were true and worth hanging on to or lies of the enemy that needed to be thrown in the trash can as soon as they came across my mental "desk". File 13'd if you will. The troublesome fact is that often, not much trash gets taken out. Instead, I hold on to it like a hoarder or all the things. Today has been one of those days. A few very separate moments that I've rabbit holed into one big "I'm doing nothing right" wad.

Here is an example of what has ensued lately when I step too close to the hole.

(insert Alice yelling "Bye Dina!" as she tumbles through the dark)

"Am I a good enough leader? Am I inspiring my team? Do they even like me? What if they don't like me, but are just dealing with me because it's all they've got? I mean, if I was, this, this, and this would be different. I must really be messing up."

"I saw so and so at the store today. They didn't even acknowledge me. I wonder what I did? Do they think I did something? I wonder if they're talking about me behind my back? What are they saying? That's not even true (my answer to my made up theories about made up gossip)."

"Man I'm messing up this mom thing? I mean, if I wasn't my kids wouldn't be so hard headed and talk back, right? They would be gentle and kind and show the manners I'm working to teach them. They'd pick up their clothes and wouldn't fight or use their wit to throw word darts at each other. Practical princesses. But they're not and it's my fault."

And then the most pathetic one of all. Ready for it?

"Why isn't anyone commenting on my FB post? I mean, it's helpful and funny and all the things, but no one even liked it. Maybe it's me. Maybe they don't like what I post and so they just keep scrolling wishing they could somehow delete me without me knowing"'

Friends. If my daughter had those thoughts about some social media post she'd made I'd have to resist the urge to pop her upside her head and ask why on earth she was associating her value with thumbs ups and passing comments. So stupid. So so stupid. 

But I did it. 

And you do it too, don't you?

I think as a woman, this is so common, but I dare not say that men don't also fight the same battle, but in silence. The fight for self worth and learning to fully disconnect the lines we mistakenly draw between every day life stuff and who we are.

The fact is, leadership doesn't always come with reassurance and we have to be okay with that.

Sometime people have stuff and don't see you. Legit don't see you and how selfish of us to decide it's all about us. Like maybe they have other stuff going on. Hard stuff. So selfish.

A dirty towel on the floor doesn't mean you're breeding serial killers.

"Likes" don't equal love.

So how do we fight back? How do we quiet the voice of despair and let truth scream louder?

How do we stop just before following the rabbit down his hole?

I mean he is awful cute. Stopwatch and all. But alas, what follows when we get too close to the hole is we inevitably tumble down it's treacherous dark spaces with a world of chaos and confusion at the end. A place where nonsense is King. 

I think the first part is to protect yourself from even getting that close.  When the thoughts and ideas begin, to immediately treat them like some obnoxious balloon and pop them. Not today balloon! Not Today.

Second, I think we need to recognize how upside down those thoughts are. Even Alice saw it. 

Those thoughts that turn into other thoughts and spiral out of control are typically 99% false, but we've given them a crumb of truth and let them swallow us whole. Look at those thoughts and truly break them down. Instead of focusing on what you think you've done wrong or why you don't think you're good enough, flip the mirror, so it's right side up. 

Why do you do right? Many things I'm sure. 

What are you good at? So, so much.

Do you lead with your team's dreams and best interest in mind? Then you're enough. Good job!

Are you respectful of others, treat them well and stay out of gossip? Then you're enough! Bravo!

Do you teach your kids to love people, show compassion and work hard? Then who cares about the wet towel! You're killing this parenting thing!

Is what you posted on social media something that encourages, makes people laugh or inspires? Then does it really matter if they hit that dumb thumbs up button? You've made Facebook a brighter place instead of adding to it's darkness. I applaud you!

Greater than all of this, though, we need to remember in Who's image we've been created. Whether you're a believer or not, I fully trust that you and I both were created from a loving Father who thinks we are pretty fantastic and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

And His Word is filled with the reminders of how valuable we are. Not how valuable WE THINK we are. How truly, unequivocally for certain, for sure, no questions asked, VALUABLE we are.  Does this mean you'll wake up tomorrow with never having to deal with self worth issues again? No. But it should remind you that you can fight back. With an arsenal of promises from His word and the ability to flip the mirror. To recognize the false and ridiculous thoughts that begin to fill our heads like a bucket of water. To quickly drive holes in that bucket to help them fall right back out again.

That's where our power lies.

So tomorrow, should you indeed wake up, or maybe you're even struggling today, with thoughts about everything you're messing up or doing wrong. Stop. I'll stop with you.

Take a step back (away from the hole, flip the mirror and remind yourself of what you're doing right.

Change the perspective, focus on the good, nay, even great, and give yourself some credit.

That rabbit is cute and all and tea time looks sort of fun, but that Queen of Hearts is waiting for you and she's only after your head heart. Don't even bother to show up.

From possibilities to panic...

Saturday was one of the hardest days I've ever had. Ever.
Saturday, I experienced my first panic attack.

Back in July, I attended our Scentsy Family Reunion and while there, really felt challenged by God to start stepping beyond where I was. There were a few areas I could see clear direction in and some steps I needed to take to start the process of letting go of control. One of those was to finally attend Superstar Director Summit in Meridian, Idaho, the location of Scentsy home office.
This meant flying. I was going to have to fly.

I HATE FLYING.

Hate doesn't even seem to be the right word. It terrifies me. Even having conversations about it will put a deep pit in my stomach.
But it was time to grow. God was calling me into a new place with Him and that meant I had to do this. So when I got home and registration opened, I very quickly counted down from 5 and signed up. I didn't book my flight right away. I couldn't yet. I needed the courage to build up and then to press launch so my mind and fingers would spring into action and reserve my spot on a plane.
A couple weeks passed and as prices increased, I knew it needed to get it done. (I'm sort of a frugal gal and hate wasting money...which becomes ironic later in this story).
So I jumped on the website, booked my flight and then cried for an hour afterward. Every scary thought and feeling rushed over me in record time.
But it was done.
That was that.
I was financially committed and that would have to serve as the motivation to get past the other junk.

I spent the next few weeks spending hours reading, watching listening to all sorts of things to help me get on to that plane. I wanted to be, deeply, where it would take me, I just didn't want to have to get there and back how I would need to.
I watched YouTube videos from pilots on what noises are okay and why flying is safe.
I read statistics and stories on how to overcome the fear of flying.
I listened to books on coping skills and how to take control of thought patterns.
I tried 3 different medications to try and find something to dull my nerves. None of them worked.
I prayed.
I worshipped.
I tucked Scripture away in my heart.
I stood in my prayer closet Friday crying out to God to take this coat of heavy fear off of me because I was tired of wearing it.
I rebuked the enemy of my soul and reminded him that I wasn't his.
Friends showered me with beautiful words of encouragement.
Gifts to give me strength and courage.
All do be able to do something MILLIONS do every single day.
Just to get on that plane to go to Idaho.

Saturday morning, I left early to drive to Dallas. A 5 hour drive just so I could take a direct flight. Just one plane.
On that car ride, I prayed, worshipped and listened to yet another self help book to make sure I was packed and loaded with every possible "skill" I could need to battle any feelings that would rise up. I went through scenarios and kept reminding myself to just walk on, get in your seat, buckle up and put your brand new noise cancelling headphones in, blast that new Hillsong worship soundtrack and remember that you are safe. You are Gods. He will be right there with you until you land safely on the other side.

I arrived at my dear friend Kathy's house...in tears. A sudden moment of anxiety left my chest feeling tight and fear to swarm me again. We sat on her back porch and talked. My heart rate slowed, my body relaxed and we decided it was time that we head out. In this time I also talked to my husband and my best friend who both poured reassuring words over me. I listened and decided I just needed to go and get this over with.

Kathy dropped me off at the airport, hugged me tight and reminded me it would all be good and she'd pick me up on Thursday, anxious to hear all about it.
I went through security in what is probably a consistent fliers dream. No lines. No waiting. Walked right through...only to be patted down because I left something in my pocket as I was fumbling to load the plastic tubs with my belongings.

My gate was straight ahead of me so I walked to the window, put my ear buds in and watched plane after plane take off.
With each plane I counted how many seconds after take off the wheels would go up that way when I felt or heard that happen, I knew what it was.
After some time, I went and took a seat across from my gate. I prayed and tried to again soak up the words in the songs I had playing in my ears.

And then it began. Like some little whisper getting louder and louder in my head and right now, I can't even tell you what they were saying. I don't even remember.
Boarding time came and my heart began to race. All of the sudden, it was like a countdown had begun. 30 minutes was all that was left.
The tears began streaming. People walked by with their luggage and stared. I'm sure they were curious as to who must have died for me to be so distraught.
I called my husband frantic and from that point forward, I remember very little.
I know he was trying to say all the right things. Words of affirmation and love and encouragement. As I spiraled deeper, he became more direct and assertive to try and snap me out of it. I was hearing him, but I wasn't listening. Everything was fuzzy and dark. Cold and dark.
All of the coping skills I'd practiced- gone.
All of the scripture I'd memorized- gone.
All of the knowledge of how safe I would be-gone.
It wasn't like I was trying to be my normal control freak self and not trust God in this.
I wasn't even in control. I literally had NO control over my thoughts or my body. It was like some messed up outer body experience.
The bracelet I wore on my wrist, that was reminding me to walk with courage and no fear of the future, you know, my focus verse for this year, Proverbs 31:25?
 I literally wanted rip off in hopes it would break into a million pieces.
All I remember saying was, "I can't. I can't. I can't" over and over and over again.
My heart was physically hurting. I was sweating. I was dizzy. I couldn't breathe.
I think my husband could tell I was in distress because he was having to remind me to take breaths.
I was experiencing my very first panic attack, alone in this giant airport with people watching,  which magnified everything times a bazillion.

I've always struggled with some sort of anxiety. Sometimes it is absolutely manageable and something it's harder, but always controllable to some degree. I always assumed that anxiety and panic attacks were the same(ish).

I no longer feel that way. This was different. WAY different. This was all consuming, choking, asphyxiating fear. Of what exactly? I couldn't even tell you. I don't know, but I was drowning in it.

As they called for final boarding, I got off the phone, took a huge, deep breath and forced myself to walk up to the beautiful woman standing at the gate taking tickets. I desperately searched for one of those danged "Skills" to talk myself down that hall and onto that plane, but everything went blank. Everything overshadowed by this dark cloud engulfing me.
I looked her straight in the eye, face tear stained and said, "I can't"

and I walked away.

The closed the doors and that was that. Fear won. The enemy won...

And I lost hard.

I called my friend who swiftly returned to the airport to pick me up. I called my husband to tell him I was coming home. I hated what I heard on the other end. He was sad for me. As he described it, it was like a coach who'd lost the game. Nothing he had said gave me the strength to get on that plane and I think he felt as defeated as I. I could hear it. He wasn't disappointed in me, but he was disappointed for me.

I spent the evening on the back porch with my friend. We talked about life, went to Walmart for snacks and ate pizza while watching Dick Van Dyke tell about being a part of Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I think she knew it would me medicine for my soul. She was right.

I went to bed and wrestled with the day. Replaying what I could remember trying to figure out what went wrong. What was the turning point where I felt prepared, read up, praying up and ready to an ugly, wicked panic attack. I still don't know.

The next day, yesterday, I woke up feeling like my body had been in a car wreck. Every muscle aching and sore. My neck stiff and my head throbbing.  My stomach was in knots, I was nauseous and utterly depleted. I also had heartburn all danged day. All side affects of the MAJOR rush of adrenaline I'd felt the day before. The aftershocks if you will.


I made the 5 hour drive home, tired, weepy, and anxious for rest. My sweet girls welcomed me back with a sign on the door and precious hugs. My husband, ready to deal with whatever was left of me.
He quickly encouraged me to lie down and rest, for which I was grateful.

Oh how I wish I could have been the people who walked on to that plane like it was nothing, like the momma with her little baby, who wasn't worried a bit about whether she'd land in Idaho 3 hours later. Oh I wish my body and mind wouldn't have betrayed me so.
That's what I feel like right now. Like I've betrayed myself.
And that I've also let down every single cheerleader who was rooting me on. Like I took one step forward, trying to be brave, and tumbled down the rabbit hole, 100 steps back.
My heart aches. I'm constantly teary and I am mourning what this week could have been.
I wanted to be with my friends, I wanted to discover a new place and I wanted, most of all, to overcome this stupid, stupid fear.
But it won. It won big.

This time anyway.


So today, I've sat here in a place that feels so heavy. My body still recovering, my heart so sad and my brain so tired that I'm still having trouble thinking clearly.
 I don't want to give it the power by calling it depression, but it feels a whole lot like that.

I've cried out to my God, who is so unfailing and filled with so much love for me, asking why this happened. Why didn't all that preparation matter? Why didn't all those prayers work? Why did this darkness so easily envelope me when I had worked SO, SO, SO freaking hard to be ready? WHY DIDN'T IT WORK??????????????

I sit waiting for His answer. I know it will come. When? I don't know, but I hope soon.

I don't know where I go from here. If you're one of those people who loves flying or at least manages it ok, I applaud you. Truly. I wish I had your courage. I stand in awe of it.
I don't know when I'll try again, but I hope to someday. I hope this has not left a stain that cannot be washed away from my memory so that one day, I can do it again...and succeed.

For now, I wait to hear from God. I wait for clarity and I wait for this heavy weight of disappointment to fall from my shoulders. I'll take today to take care of my body and then will go back into motion again tomorrow running my business and taking care of my family.

There is no moral to this story and I am sorry if you were waiting, ready through line after line waiting for one. No "But then this happened..." shift in the narrative. I just needed all of these thoughts and words and feelings out of me. I needed to share it. I needed you to know so you didn't judge me for not being where I should be today.

There is no redeeming, full circle moment...YET

YET.

YET.

I'm just not there...YET.

Yet means there is possibility. So for today, I hold on to the YET.