Falling down the rabbit hole...

The struggle is so real. Am I right? The struggle to feel like you're doing a good job.

Like you're valuable.

Like you're enough.

Like people like you.

And it doesn't just stick to one area, does it? It's spreads like a disease that moves from how you're parenting, how well you're doing your job, if you're contributing well enough your friendships, loving your spouse enough and even how we view our bodies.

Then the enemy comes in with what seems to be the world's largest magnifying glass. Even the areas you feel like you have under control seem to start showing wear. LOOK HERE! he says. Showing you every tiny failure as though you've just doomed all man kind.

The struggle is real.

I've recently had a few experiences that have made me fight spiraling down into the realm of nonsense. In my family, we call this falling down the rabbit hole. An Alice in Wonderland reference. Some small, some bigger, but the end game the same. The argument in my head of whether the thoughts floating around were true and worth hanging on to or lies of the enemy that needed to be thrown in the trash can as soon as they came across my mental "desk". File 13'd if you will. The troublesome fact is that often, not much trash gets taken out. Instead, I hold on to it like a hoarder or all the things. Today has been one of those days. A few very separate moments that I've rabbit holed into one big "I'm doing nothing right" wad.

Here is an example of what has ensued lately when I step too close to the hole.

(insert Alice yelling "Bye Dina!" as she tumbles through the dark)

"Am I a good enough leader? Am I inspiring my team? Do they even like me? What if they don't like me, but are just dealing with me because it's all they've got? I mean, if I was, this, this, and this would be different. I must really be messing up."

"I saw so and so at the store today. They didn't even acknowledge me. I wonder what I did? Do they think I did something? I wonder if they're talking about me behind my back? What are they saying? That's not even true (my answer to my made up theories about made up gossip)."

"Man I'm messing up this mom thing? I mean, if I wasn't my kids wouldn't be so hard headed and talk back, right? They would be gentle and kind and show the manners I'm working to teach them. They'd pick up their clothes and wouldn't fight or use their wit to throw word darts at each other. Practical princesses. But they're not and it's my fault."

And then the most pathetic one of all. Ready for it?

"Why isn't anyone commenting on my FB post? I mean, it's helpful and funny and all the things, but no one even liked it. Maybe it's me. Maybe they don't like what I post and so they just keep scrolling wishing they could somehow delete me without me knowing"'

Friends. If my daughter had those thoughts about some social media post she'd made I'd have to resist the urge to pop her upside her head and ask why on earth she was associating her value with thumbs ups and passing comments. So stupid. So so stupid. 

But I did it. 

And you do it too, don't you?

I think as a woman, this is so common, but I dare not say that men don't also fight the same battle, but in silence. The fight for self worth and learning to fully disconnect the lines we mistakenly draw between every day life stuff and who we are.

The fact is, leadership doesn't always come with reassurance and we have to be okay with that.

Sometime people have stuff and don't see you. Legit don't see you and how selfish of us to decide it's all about us. Like maybe they have other stuff going on. Hard stuff. So selfish.

A dirty towel on the floor doesn't mean you're breeding serial killers.

"Likes" don't equal love.

So how do we fight back? How do we quiet the voice of despair and let truth scream louder?

How do we stop just before following the rabbit down his hole?

I mean he is awful cute. Stopwatch and all. But alas, what follows when we get too close to the hole is we inevitably tumble down it's treacherous dark spaces with a world of chaos and confusion at the end. A place where nonsense is King. 

I think the first part is to protect yourself from even getting that close.  When the thoughts and ideas begin, to immediately treat them like some obnoxious balloon and pop them. Not today balloon! Not Today.

Second, I think we need to recognize how upside down those thoughts are. Even Alice saw it. 

Those thoughts that turn into other thoughts and spiral out of control are typically 99% false, but we've given them a crumb of truth and let them swallow us whole. Look at those thoughts and truly break them down. Instead of focusing on what you think you've done wrong or why you don't think you're good enough, flip the mirror, so it's right side up. 

Why do you do right? Many things I'm sure. 

What are you good at? So, so much.

Do you lead with your team's dreams and best interest in mind? Then you're enough. Good job!

Are you respectful of others, treat them well and stay out of gossip? Then you're enough! Bravo!

Do you teach your kids to love people, show compassion and work hard? Then who cares about the wet towel! You're killing this parenting thing!

Is what you posted on social media something that encourages, makes people laugh or inspires? Then does it really matter if they hit that dumb thumbs up button? You've made Facebook a brighter place instead of adding to it's darkness. I applaud you!

Greater than all of this, though, we need to remember in Who's image we've been created. Whether you're a believer or not, I fully trust that you and I both were created from a loving Father who thinks we are pretty fantastic and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

And His Word is filled with the reminders of how valuable we are. Not how valuable WE THINK we are. How truly, unequivocally for certain, for sure, no questions asked, VALUABLE we are.  Does this mean you'll wake up tomorrow with never having to deal with self worth issues again? No. But it should remind you that you can fight back. With an arsenal of promises from His word and the ability to flip the mirror. To recognize the false and ridiculous thoughts that begin to fill our heads like a bucket of water. To quickly drive holes in that bucket to help them fall right back out again.

That's where our power lies.

So tomorrow, should you indeed wake up, or maybe you're even struggling today, with thoughts about everything you're messing up or doing wrong. Stop. I'll stop with you.

Take a step back (away from the hole, flip the mirror and remind yourself of what you're doing right.

Change the perspective, focus on the good, nay, even great, and give yourself some credit.

That rabbit is cute and all and tea time looks sort of fun, but that Queen of Hearts is waiting for you and she's only after your head heart. Don't even bother to show up.

They're not my kids...

4 words my kids HATE hearing me say. No, not about them. About their friends and classmates. "They're not my kids" I say. "You are."

Early on in my motherhood, I found myself praying one day about being a mom. Mom'ing is hard ya'll. No instruction book, just a mix of guidance or examples from others, winging it and a prayer. I don't want to mess it up (even though I feel like I am daily), and so I wanted to know what God wanted from me for them. I didn't feel or hear an answer right away and so I waited, hopeful, that I would at least get some kind of clue as how at least attempt to keep them out of therapy at adults.

One day, Kate was asking for something and I couldn't even tell you now what it was, but the phrase, "everyone in my class has...." Know that phrase? Heard it? Sometimes it's "all my friends get to..." or "so and so doesn't have to..."

The standby reply was ready to come and after the "they're not my kids, you are" spilled out, I found myself continuing the conversation with her when normally, that was that.

It was followed with this question: "Katie, what's my job as your mom?"

*insert blank stare*

"Kate, what's my job as your mom?"

*continual blank stare*

And then, like I'd rehearsed it 100 times before, these words followed...

"To protect your mind, heart, body and soul. To make sure what's going into your mind is safe and appropriate, that your heart is protected from hurt and continually affirmed, to make sure your body is safe, respected and healthy and to make sure you are spiritually fed and serving God."

That was it. That's what God wanted from my motherhood and He spoke it through me, to her, in a moment we were both listening.

My job is not to be my kid's friends. Yes, when they are grown, I hope the relationship we've built through their childhood will yield a close bond and friendship, but right now, I'm not here to yield to their every whim. They can't make the right choice in every situation and my job is to be here to help them do just that. To train them up to be good, loving, healthy, followers of Christ.

So, not focusing on whether or not they like me, means some times those choices are hard ones. Choices they '"hate" me for or choices that seem unfair.

Some of these choices make our kids the "left out" kids because we are doing our best to protect them from an ugly cruel world.

It's why we've chosen for them not to have their own phones at young ages. In an effort for transparency, Kate will be getting one soon, but it will be extremely limited on what she's able to access and will full disclosure that we are the ones in control of it. Yes, that means we'll read every text she sends or receives and she's totally okay with that.

It's also why we are extremely picky about who's house they'll go hang out at and the list of who's house they can sleep over at is even smaller. 

They've never been allowed to have elementary school boyfriends and we don't encourage crushes.

It's why they don't have TV's in their rooms or free reign on the internet. It's why they aren't allowed to watch certain tv shows, movies or read certain books. Because our jobs are to protect their minds, bodies, hearts and souls and everything going into them.

What or who we allow access those parts of them will shape who they are. Shouldn't we all want to be so cautious of what's filtering through to these parts of them?

I need it to be crystal clear that I am in NO WAY judging any other parenting methods or would ever say that if you don't parent like us, you're doing it wrong. I am not that kind of momma. 

I'm also not in any way judging my kiddos friends or their parents. I love the ones they have dearly. They've done a pretty great job of picking their own little circles.  This is just us. This is what I prayed for God to show me. It's just how we are doing it.

In a world where children are being sexualized younger and younger, being told to look or act a certain way by peers, a pervasive social media presence, violence becoming less and less shocking and self worth so deeply tied into what other's think about us, I feel I would be failing as a parent if I was not trying to make sure I was doing everything I could for them to be and feel safe.

We want our girls to know that their value isn't tied to which boy does or doesn't like them.

We want our girls to know that not fitting in, is totally okay, if fitting in means going against their character and morals.

We want our kids to experience the things around them, not just see them on a screen.

We want their sleep to be peaceful and not full of nightmares of things their eyes have seen.

We want our kids to get to be kids.

If wanting all of these things for them deems us "helicopter parents" or them "sheltered", then so be it.

It's our job.

To protect their hearts, minds, bodies and souls.

And we take it pretty seriously.

It's something maybe even as adults we should be better at for our own self. To be more aware of protecting our minds, our hearts, our bodies and our souls.

So now, when I hear those frustrating words "But... (insert phrase of injustice here)" I reply with, "What are our jobs?" and they reply, "To protect our minds, bodies, hearts and souls" and then we discuss what part of that action conflicts with that calling. They get it.  Do they always like the answers? Oh Lord no. Does that always end the conversation or keep us from arguing? Ha! No. 

But they're understanding better, deeper why we make the decisions we do and I think that is garnering a least a little more respect for our choices. More so than this, they're quickly finding we won't make choices on what they can or can't do based on what another kid can or can't do.

They're not my kids, Katie and Abby. You are. And I love you.